


Like Real People Do

by HIghBuddyy



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Changkyun is a christian boy, Depression, First Love, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jooheon as well, Kihyun is christian too, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide Attempt, a tiny tiiiny bit of jookyun, they talk about sex like a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2018-09-23 11:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9653324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HIghBuddyy/pseuds/HIghBuddyy
Summary: In which Chae Hyungwon is a miserable university student with no hopes until he met this annoyingly poker-faced high school senior.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first time writing in English I'm scared and nervous haha. Christianism has a major role in this fanfic for bad and for good, so if you are sensitive to religious subjects I don't recommend it for you.  
> Hope you all like it! This first chapter is pretty small, I'm sorry for this oAo

It was late at night when Chae Hyungwon met Lim Changkyun for the first time. It wasn’t a normal situation: the young Chae wasn’t introduced to him by friends or bumped into him during a party, like teens and young adults were supposed to meet each other. To be honest, he ran into the younger, hitting him hard while trying to get rid of the ones who were following him. At the time, he was too desperate to see the distracted boy walking slowly towards his direction, whereas his mind was too concerned in getting his ass out of the dangerous circumstances he somehow managed to get into. 

He grunted when his body crashed against the smaller one, making both of them lose their balances. Hyungwon almost fell to the ground, but somehow managed to hold himself on one knee and to stand up quickly after. The victim of his inattention hadn’t had the same luck and sank with a loud bump right into the pavement. But before he could even think about returning to his crazy run for life, the unknown boy pulled him by the wrist, using him as support to lift.  _ Nice _ , was the first thing that popped into his mind,  _ now I’ll be beaten by even more people _ .

To his great surprise, he was pushed into a door moments before hearing the loud voices of his chasers screaming profanities. Was he safe? He didn’t know. Maybe he was caught in a trap, and now was going to be cold-bloodedly killed by a complete stranger — it wasn’t like he knew well the men who were running after him, but at least he had seen them a few times at the university. Maybe his new fate was less humiliating, but for sure it didn’t calm him down.

The room was completely dark and he could see nothing at all. The taller boy let himself breathe a little slower, realizing how much of a hyperventilating he was going through. He should talk, he had some questions to ask and a surely needed to apologize, but his heart was racing crazily and his throat hurt from the cold air outside. Whoever was holding him didn’t let the grip, tightening his grab a little before speaking before. His voice was low, calmed and mature, even though he seemed so smaller than Hyungwon himself. 

“Are you ok?” The stranger asked with sincere concern seeming to ignore completely the fact that he was knock down only seconds before. Hyungwon opened his mouth to reply, but couldn’t find his voice. “It’s ok, just deep breathe. I’m going to turn the lights on.”

The taller leaned against the wall and let himself slip until he was sitting on the ground. He sighed, thankful to his unknown savior. Maybe the boy was going to pick a big rusty knife to kill him instead of turning the lights on, but at least he wasn’t going to be beaten to death by classmates. Some ways to die can be less displeasing than others.

When the lights were turned on, he felt a dazzling headache. His eyes went black for an instant and he had to hold his head down while rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. The end of an adrenalin shot could be extra exhaustive and he knew that, so he let himself sink a little in his whacked state. Only the deep voice of the unknown boy took him out of his pitiful position.

“Why were they chasing you?” He asked, calmly sitting near to Hyungwon. The tall man looked around for the first time, realizing that he was at a large hall corridor. The light was too frail and his eyes were out of focus, but by the little he could recognize, they were at a… Church? 

“Where are we?” He asked, too zoned out to pay attention to his rude behavior. He was going to apologize later, but now he was only too tired to be himself. Being threatened wasn’t a thing he was looking for and the way the events went that night got him stressed, afraid and even a little sad. He was scared, feeling weak and miserable.

“At a church.” Aj objective answer, little or no emotion before the stranger rude behavior.  _ Weird boy _ , but at least he wasn’t acting like a murderer and he didn’t felt like people actually killed strangers inside churches. Finally, Hyungwon took his time to look at his savior, already shy for how he was acting. He got surprised by how young he was, but the emotion was quickly switched to... “Were you doing drugs?”

Disbelief. The question hit him hard.

“Dude, what the fucking hell?” He was fully awake and full of energy once again. The idea of apologizing seemed now far away as he frowned, deeply offended. He could be death threatened, he could be chased to hell, but he was not going to act passively after being called a junkie by an unknown brat whom he bumped into.

The boy only raised a finger and his sight grew deadly serious. Hyungwon was annoyed.

“Church. No swearing.” He said and nothing more was added. Not even a ‘sorry’ for his later question, that obviously got his interlocutor personally hurt. He wasn’t a goddamned junkie, he didn’t even drink, for God’s sake! What more stupid conclusion the boy jumped to? He didn’t want to know. After a deep breath and an irritated mumble about how rude kids could be those days, Hyungwon managed to answer him properly.

“I’m not… I’m not some kind of junkie, ok?” The boy looked at him like it wasn’t enough explanation. He sighed and organized his thoughts, to finally sounds a little reasonable. “I was at a party. I got into a fight… Actually, the fight got into me and I had to run for the sake of my as---” The younger raised an eyebrow “---of my life. I wasn’t the offensive part, I wasn’t doing drugs, I was only trying to enjoy myself.” 

“Do you owe them money?” Once again, Hyungwon got a little offended and pretty frustrated. He tried not to show too much of his feelings, especially because he was aware that he was the person who ran into a strange during the night, not the contrary. It was fair he got asked disagreeable questions.

“I don’t!” The stranger looked straight at his eyes like he was analyzing the depths of his mind. Hyungwon felt pressured by the deep dark gaze but didn’t look away. He needed to be firm in his statements, or the boy wasn’t going to believe him. 

“Ok. I’ll trust you.” The younger said, calm as always and Hyungwon smiled shyly but triumphant. His expressions were full of nothing in an awkward and self-conscious way like he was trying to restrain himself. Maybe he was too shy to expose any emotions, something that wasn’t uncommon at his age. Hyungwon thought that the boy was cute, even though there was nothing according to the standards in him — his nose was big, he had a few spots of acne on his face and his jaw wasn’t perfectly shaped. But he had pretty lips and there was something charmful on him. Maybe, if he was his age, he would be interested in the boy.

_ Nice move, Chae Hyungwon, you are being gay for a kiddo _ .

For long seconds, they stared at each other. The older realized that it was the first time he ever stepped on a church — the only reference he had was the ones he saw in movies. He asked himself what such a young teen was doing at this place so late at night. Maybe he was the priest?  _ No way _ , he wasn’t old enough. A priest apprentice, who knows? Perhaps this was the reason he was so inexpressive? Hyungwon knew a great amount of nothing about churches and Christians, even though he had some Christian friends in the past.

“What’s your name?” He finally asked, after realizing they didn’t have introduced themselves properly. He had already recovered from the previous events and there was no reason to keep being so rude to his savior.

“Lim Changkyun.” The boy gave him a sudden smirk and Hyungwon lowered his eyes, smiling as well.  _ Damn _ , he was cute for a high school kid. The older decided that maybe they could be friends. “What about you?”

“Chae Hyungwon.” Silence. Both let the new info about each other sink in their minds for some seconds. Lim Changkyun was a nice name and suited the younger well. He tried the name on his own voice by calling the boy: “Lim Changkyun-ssi… Isn’t it too late for a youngster like you to be on the street?”

“I was closing the church, you were the one in hot water.” The two smiled shyly and Hyungwon let a quiet giggle. Yeah, he was right: he couldn’t be judged, at least not by the one who was sitting next to him. “By the way, I’m not that young, I’m already seventeen.”

The older raised an eyebrow in complete disbelief. His voice could be surprisingly deep and his features could be deadly serious, but there was no way he wasn’t fifteen or at most sixteen. He looked too young, his eyes were deep but candid, almost naïve. Hyungwon couldn’t see a reason for the boy to lie, but he also didn’t see how to believe on this. Changkyun could feel the confusion on the older eyes so he pouted, seeming frustrated.

Damn.

“I’m serious, I’m not that young.” He was trying to lower his voice to sound more mature and Hyungwon found it somehow adorable.

“It’s ok, I believe you.” It seemed that the roles were inverted, hm? The older laughed to himself and stretched. His night wasn’t a total waste, at least he was having a nice chat with a Christian kid who saved him from being beaten till death. It was funnier than every university party he ever went to and it was nice to talk with someone who didn’t hate him or was low-key disgusted by his existence (at least by now). Changkyun’s presence was nice and warm and, even though he was shy and awkward, he had a friendly aura.

Without saying a thing, the boy got up, whining like an old grandpa. He was tired and, after the initial shock, his body was going back to the previous status of needing a bed as soon as possible. Hyungwon was tired and sleepy as well and he realized that it was already too late. His roommate was going to kill him for interrupting his sleep, especially because he had lost his keys and his phone after the attack during the party. So he got up too and laughed at the low ‘wow’ he heard. The boy was older than he thought and he was taller than imagined, so they had a tie. 

Still in silence, Changkyun disappeared inside the church and turned off the lights, what turned Hyungwon blind for a couple of minutes. They waited for a little until their eyes got used to the lack of light and then the younger opened the door to the street, putting his head outside before to verify if there was no one. Everything seemed clean, so he stepped out and locked after being followed by the older. Both stood still at the sidewalk, looking at each other awkwardly. The boy was the first to talk.

“I need to go home.” He muttered, just to make the silence less oppressive. Hyungwon nodded, pressing his own hands together to surpass his embarrassment. Why was he timid in front of a teen? He wasn’t sixteen anymore to act like this.

“I can take you there. It’s late.” He finally got the courage to say with a gentle smile, surprising the younger, who pressed his lips in a line to hide his reaction. It was too late indeed and his way home wasn’t the safest, so there was no logical reason to decline the offer. Thus he shook his head in agreement and Hyungwon felt happy. The most he spent his time at the street, the later he would have to look at his roommate irritated face — and he was enjoying the time spent by Changkyun’s side.

So they walked side by side, saying little to nothing. It was awkward, but it was nice and Hyungwon wouldn’t complain: he liked the fresh feeling of meeting someone who didn’t know about him, his supposed vices and the stories people made up to destroy his image. For the first time in months, he felt like an average teen once again. It wasn’t hurting to be him.

When the two youngsters reached Changkyun’s house, Hyungwon asked for his number. They exchanged a few words and he got the permission to send a message anytime he wanted. He promised he would be doing it as soon as he got a new phone and the boy smirked once again — this kind of awkward smile fitted him well.

 

Maybe, just maybe, they could be friends. The idea got him excited.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many kudos for a first fanfic, I'm so thankful!! TT TT  
> I'm pretty lost yet, I feel like I can't write in English *inserts crying face here*. And I hadn't had the time to edit this chapter so it's pretty poor, I'm so sorryyyy, I'm studying from 11 to 13 hours a day, my mind is working on power saving mode in order to survive. TT  
> Anyway, hope you all like it!  
> (By the way, I'll probably decide the number of chapters after finishing the handwritten scripts, I think it'll probably be something around 10 or 12??? I'm not sure yet though.)
> 
> [EDIT: I deleted the third chapter and added it's text to the second one. Why? Because I thought that it the story would look more consistent like this. No other change was made.  
> The notes for the second part of this chapter were:  
> I wrote a veeryyyy smaaall transitioning chapter so I wouldn't leave this fanfic without any updates for too long. It's a cute one and it explains better Hyungwon's relation with everyone else, and by everyone else I mean his mysterious roommate.  
> Also there's some stuff about religious thinking and homophobia "justified" by religion, just warning.  
> Hope you enjoy it!!]

Even if Chae Hyungwon had managed to buy a new phone two days after the incident, he only gathered forces to message Lim Changkyun at the next morning. He had liked the boy a lot, for he was quiet and polite and had a friendly aura. There was no reason to delay their second contact for so long, so he typed the younger number with no fear or regret and happily greeted the boy with an identification message and a bunch of emojis. For some reason he couldn’t be sure about, he was feeling a little nervous — maybe the fact that he was messaging a person he talked just once was making him feel awkward, what was pretty normal and understandable.

It took just a few seconds before he got an answer (that scared him once he wasn’t prepared for the strong vibration of the phone. He laughed alone at his silliness). Before looking at it, he picked up a slow paced song and tried to calm his agitated self. There was no reason to be bouncing on his bed so early in the morning! He was supposed to be half asleep and dying to wake up by the time.

 

 **Lim Changkyun** : Chae Hyungwon-ssi, it’s nice to know that you are alive! 

**Chae Hyungwon** : actually half alive im sleeping while messaging u   
  


At least his normal self would be.   
  


**Lim Changkyun** : Why don’t you go back to bed then?

 

“Oh, I wished.” The older muttered to himself, glaring at his roommate bed for some seconds (he would wake earlier every day and Hyungwon had no problems with this) and then to the window of their room to see the housing building of his university quiet and yet asleep. Even though he was more agitated than usual it didn’t mean that he was not going to miss his bed in an hour — maybe earlier, considering how much energy he was wasting. Soon everyone was going to be up, walking around, talking and laughing out loud before the classes started at 7:30 a.m. for some but at 8 for most of them and he was going to be walking like a zombie.   
  


**Chae Hyungwon** : i cant i have classes soon

**Lim Changkyun** : Do you study? Aren’t you too old for this?

 

Hyungwon laughed alone once again, realizing that the image the boy had of him probably wasn’t the best considering how they have met. Well, he was going to be surprised when he finally discovered that the supposed troublemaker actually was a nerd student (or at least tried his best to be).   
  


**Chae Hyungwon** : i study law :)

**Lim Changkyun** : I’m sorry I was disrespectful Chae Hyungwon-ssi!   
  


Hyungwon smiled at that and replied to the boy by changing the subject so he wouldn’t feel so embarrassed. There also was the fact that he was sick of his life as a university student and really wasn’t in the mood of talking about it. So he asked how the boy was and a nice “now that I know that you aren’t dead, I’m less worried” popped into the screen and his smile grew wider: Changkyun seemed to be a lonely, gentle and needy teen who enjoyed to receive attention, and the older was pretty sure that he was a particularly sincere person for his messages were as polite and awkward as his talking. Even if their first encounter involved tension and fear, they were settling quite easily and he wasn’t going to lose such a nice opportunity.   
  


**Lim Changkyun** : I’m finishing high school this school year, thank God.

**Chae Hyungwon** : r u sure? Maybe they r lying to u and u r still in junior high 

**Lim Changkyun** : C’mon, you said you believed me! I am seventeen!!!

**Chae Hyungwon** : maybe

**Chae Hyungwon** : just maybe

**Chae Hyungwon** : ur parents lied to u

**Chae Hyungwon** : and u r 15 but no one but them know about it

**Chae Hyungwon** : just think about the possibility

**Lim Changkyun** : Chae Hyungwon-ssi!!!!!!! Stop!!!!!!!!

**Chae Hyungwon** : im sorry im sorry :)   
  


After some minutes of uninterrupted chatting, Hyungwon was already seeking to see the boy again — this time, in a less strange situation. They were both shy and introverted, even if in different ways, and the younger seemed to be incredibly mature to his age. He felt like they were going to get along well.

So they kept talking, sending audios, messages, images for a longer time than expected like they knew each other for long. It was nice to talk about no specific subject, throwing random questions at each other, not like a quiz but much more like two people who were willing to be friends as soon as they could. So they talked about video games, dinosaurs, school uniforms, and music. Changkyun seemed to be a fashion and astronomy enthusiast while Hyungwon pretty much liked only the first subject: science wasn’t his thing at all.

The older also discovered that the boy was homeschooled for a while since he lived abroad for years and started at a regular school just in time for junior high, imagining how hard it probably was (even though Changkyun said that he handled the bullying well) and guessing that this probably was the reason for his kind and friendly awkwardness. He also was fluent in English for he lived in the USA during his childhood years.

Hyungwon was so entertained by the conversation that it was surprising when the boy announced that he was going to school. He had no idea of what time it was when realized that he also needed to get prepared for his first class… And for looking at the faces of his classmates once again. He wanted to distract himself a little more, to let himself have a fairly nice time for just some hours chatting with someone who didn’t hate him. But there was nothing he could do, so they both turned off, however only after Hyungwon finally asked if they could see each other again.

 

**Lim Changkyun** : What about today after school? We could eat some cake.

**Chae Hyungwon** : seems nice ;)   
  


At least he was going to have some fun. He missed having fun.

—

Since Hyungwon was a law student, his classes were full of rich young men and, as expected, some of them didn’t even want to be there. Being a lawyer was his childhood dream but it was also the dream of many parents for the life of their sons and daughters, even if their kids themselves didn’t share the so-called dream. What before was a realization of a great desire to the teen (to be into a good university, studying with the best) was slowly turning into a curse, especially after all the bullying he was suffering. Obviously, he would be lying if he said that he didn't like to study law: the subject itself was nice and the university was a pleasant place, even though there were some people around him who was trying so hard to screw his life and were getting a moderate success on this matter.

So after he sat at his place and opened a notebook, placing his things with no hurry on the table, his first move was to look at the class and try to find one of those unfriendly faces he was so used to. He preferred to be emotionally prepared for an attack and the best way of doing it was to be aware of the presence of his bullies and of their actions so he could be as invisible as possible and avoid them.

At first, it was hard to be invisible: so used to the attention because of his beauty and politeness, Hyungwon had a hard time during the first three months of his personal hell. He was timid but he had a strong presence and an expensive aura, people used to stop to look at him as soon as he entered a room. But he had to learn how to restrain his carriage and was far less showy than he was before.

Unfortunately, even if he tried hard, his day wasn’t supposed to be all positive and nice. When his eyes met with those of the most hateful classmate he had, his heart sank down into his lungs and breathing turned into a hard task. He was afraid that people could see his trembling hands, especially that he could see this. One way or another his anxiety was going to kill him, he knew that and honestly, dying didn’t sound so terrible at the moment. After their gazes crossed there was no more scape: the only thing Hyungwon could do was to wait. So he waited until the older man was near to him, leaning upon his table with a serious look like he could kill if he had the chance — what actually was true.

“So here is Chae Hyungwon. I wasn’t expecting your presence today.” The older said, completely expressionless. He shivered for he knew what the man was talking about. His attendance that Monday right after Saturday's incident was defiant since he should be scared enough to quit university after the threatens he received that night. Differently from what Minhyuk said, things weren’t getting better and people weren’t forgetting: everything was just slowly bogging into dark and stinky mud and he was going drown as well — especially if people kept treading on him like this.

“What’s up Chae? Have you lost your voice last party? Was it funny?”

At first, Hyungwon didn’t realize he had forgotten to answer. What’s the sense of answering anyway? Nothing said by him was going to have a positive impact so being reticent was the best he could do. But he looked around anyway, trying to find any supportive look or anyone he could rely on, but it was a fruitless action once no one cared enough for there was no reasonable motive to be at his side. So he just prayed for peace, at least for the next two hours. He not only needed but also wanted badly to study and to keep his mind away from his problems.

“Is it a new strategy? You keep quiet until everyone gets sick and forget about you?” He cracked an involuntary bitter smile at the question. Like if the goddamned senior was ever going to get sick, Hyungwon knew he was going to be bullied by the older until he graduated or until the boy killed himself, no possibilities between — and that was why the teen was thinking so seriously about the second option.

“Are you listening, Chae?” He was and he wanted to shout it at the man face (what of course wasn’t a smart thing to be done). So in his mind, he kept asking himself why his senior seemed to need so much to keep mocking and threatening a younger, weaker and already afraid boy. There was no name for it but cowardice and maybe saying it out loud was going to make people realize what was going on.

Hyungwon unconsciously laughed at himself, pitying his own deceived self for expecting something from the people around him.

“Chae? Are you fucking listening?” The swear got him off guard. His eyes widened and a shameful cry stuck into his throat with tears he refused to shed in front of others. He could be humiliated but he couldn’t bear a person vociferating at him like this in front of others, he felt too self-aware. “Or are you daydreaming about the next faggot who will shove a dick into your filthy mouth?” And now everyone was shocked. Some were trying to surpass their laughs, others seemed to be second-handed offended, but most of them were just surprise in a negative way. If Hyungwon were a bolder person he would take the chance to get some people at his side, at least the ones who were against public humiliation and psychological harassment. But he was scared and, damn, his heart was beating like crazy as he felt the most disgraced person at the whole world.

Sadly, before he could find the energy to say anything, the professor entered the room. As the students got up and his classmate went back to his seat with a full of hate and triumphant gaze, Hyungwon felt all the rage and shame burning his body and it made his blood boil. All he wanted was respect and even this was being denied to him like he was less than a human being.

—

When his classes ended, he felt the tiredness of a warrior after a long battle. His lungs, eyes, heart and head were stinging like hell and all he wanted to do was to sleep. But he had an appointment with his new almost-friend and he surely wasn’t going to miss it, so he rushed to his dorm, relieved that his roommate wasn’t there. Before anything worse could happen, he threw his things at the table, dressed a long-sleeved shirt and took his white jacket with him don’t even bothering to match the clothes properly.

After leaving a note to his roommate, Hyungwon ran through the university housing solemnly ignoring everyone who bothered to look at or to talk to him. Changkyun’s school was a little far, so he had to take a bus and there was no way he was delaying his arriving: he knew that the boy classes ended in half an hour and he was going to be there at the time to pick up him.

His heart raced when he finally took the bus and he stopped a little to think about his situation. Six months earlier, he would laugh at his excited self for there was no reason to be so delighted by a mere meeting with a new friend. At the time, he had friends, lots of them, and was in love and secretly dating his best buddy, a gentle and nice man with the brightest smile he had ever seen. Thinking about it made him slightly nostalgic, so he got his smartphone in hands and picked a random song, turning up the volume the loudest he could.

It took exacts 25 minutes for the bus to arrive at the boy school. Hyungwon wanted badly to message Changkyun, but he was still in class so he had to back himself from bothering him.  _ You waited all day, 5 minutes can’t be that hard to wait _ , the teen muttered to himself, staring at his phone’s clock. It was 3:56 p.m.

Each second was a torture and Hyungwon caught himself counting them when the third minute of waiting started. One, two, three… He was acting like a dumb fourteen years old waiting for the girl he liked. One hundred and seventy-seven, one hundred and seventy-eight, one hundred and seventy-nine…

The class bell rang. Hyungwon realized how tense he was when the first student in a dark gyobok came out from the grey building and a bunch of teens followed him, talking loud, laughing and rushing for his houses and hagwon’s classes. He straightened his pose and tried to look over them for he couldn’t see Changkyun. A group of girls stopped near to him, whispering and giggling quietly to catch his attention, but he was so used to it and annoyed at the same time that he ignored them easily.

When the boy arose from a group of teens, earphones on and face too concerned while looking at his mobile, Hyungwon smiled and took his own smartphone, sending him a funny message.  _ If you keep looking at the screen like this, you’ll stumble and fall, Lim Changkyun-ssi _ . The boy looked up to crack a small and shy smile, answered by a bigger one in Hyungwon’s lips.

“Hi!” Changkyun said, waving at him and doing an awkward small run to approach his friend quicker. The older tried to hold himself from laughing, but the scene was too adorable and he had to. It seemed to make the boy hesitate a little. “Did I do something wr…”

“Hey, hi, I mean, no you...” He shut up when they stared at each other, timid at first as the older tried to surpass his laugh, but more comfortable when Changkyun grinned awkwardly at their confusion. The school kids were dispersing and the annoying group of girls was already walking away so, in a few seconds, there was just the two of them, shy and awkward.

“Hi.” Changkyun tried again, in a lower and less excited tone and Hyungwon deep breathed, recovering from his earlier silliness.

“Hi. We talked about cake.” He facepalmed after realizing what he just said and the boy looked at his own feet like he was going to laugh but wasn’t feeling comfortable to (what wasn’t far from the truth as he really did intend to laugh but was just too timid). “No, I mean, how are you? Do you still want to eat cake?”

Awkward silence. Hyungwon also stared at his feet, feeling completely hopeless: who was the high schooler between them? Because there was no way he was acting like a person who was going to turn into an adult in just a few months, not when he was blushing in front of a senior school kid.

“Ah, sure, yes,” Changkyun said in a rush, realizing his long delay. And then added to intensify his affirmation: “I surely want to.”

And once again they got into an awkward silence. There was not a single person around them what made the moment even more quiet and uncomfortable.  _ Well, we will fix this with time _ , Hyungwon hopped. It was their second encounter, there was no reason to expect the most comfortable and intimate friendship.

“Hmmm… Chae Hyungwon-ssi.” The older looked at the boy with an inquiring stare. Changkyun put his hands inside his pockets and shyly looked to the sky. His expression was adorable as his cute dimples were completely visible.  _ Damn you, kid _ . “Where? I mean, we hadn’t thought about that.”

Hyungwon laughed and this time Changkyun was comfortable with this, so he followed, far more restrained, but clearly having fun as well. An outside watcher probably would think that they were adorably silly together. You know, he had met this guy that could make his heart flutter just by looking at his eyes. He didn't know him well, he wasn’t even in love with him, but he felt that maybe… In the future…

_ Seriously, Hyungwon, stop daydreaming. You are being delusional. _

“Chae Hyungwon-ssi?” The older realized that he had zoned out and felt strange for he was having inappropriate ideas about his relationship with a boy that was right in front of him. He tried not to freak out, Changkyun couldn’t read minds, even though his face probably was completely readable now. The boy looked worried. “Hyungwon-ssi… Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I am, I was…”  _ What excuse should I use _ ? “I was just thinking if I know some coffee shop around here. I think I don’t.” And then cracked the best smile he could.

It wasn’t convincing, not at all, but Changkyun seemed relieved. His features relaxed a bit and he looked quickly at his phone before directing his gaze to Hyungwon whose big concern at the moment was trying to chill. It got easier when the boy smiled shy but sincere and his heart suddenly turned lighter. 

“I know a place. Shall we?"

It took less than ten minutes for Hyungwon and Changkyun to arrive at the coffee shop the boy talked about. It was a nice place with three or four tables and white walls; it looked comfy and clean. There was no one there but the attendant and the calm atmosphere pleased the older. They were still feeling a little awkward but the mood got far lighter after ordering a coffee and a cup of hot chocolate (“ _ are you going to drink chocolate and then eat a cake?” “I’m a teen, teens need energy, Hyungwon-ssi.” _ )

Obviously, Hyungwon joked about Changkyun’s choice as soon as a colorful mug was put in front of him: only kids drank hot chocolate so it was completely understandable that the coffee shop used mugs with cute fairy prints when serving it. That’s why he ordered a nice cup of dark and bitter coffee because he was an adult, so no colorful prints for him. And that also was the reason for the boy to laugh at the very moment the older stole a long sip of his drink, acting like he hadn't said anything about it being babyish.

So they chatted. They chatted about games and cards, movies and books. But the subject that they got deeper into was…

Fashion.

“I can’t believe you know so much about Victoria's Angels, I’m surprised!”

“Hmmm… Thank you?”

Hyungwon couldn’t believe they were talking about it in a coffee shop. It was the most random subject possible, considering how unlikely was a boy to like and understand so much about models, clothing, and designers. He already knew that Changkyun was a fashion enthusiast but wasn’t aware of how, hmm...  _ Enthusiastic _ he could be.

“I’m pretty sure you got interested in them because, you know… Lingeries and bodies.” He smiled because he knew that is sounded like he was provoking the boy, even though the idea he presented actually hurt a little. There was also the fact that he himself liked Victoria’s Secret a lot for their designs were undeniably pretty, even though he had no interest in female bodies since he was pretty gay.

Changkyun seemed a little troubled by the joke, but there was nothing more that Hyungwon could catch from his restrained reaction. The boy looked down at the cake plate and bit his lower lip, covering his face with an unreadable expression. Nice, their first time meeting and he had already offended him, being incredibly inappropriate seemed to be the older talent.

“It’s not like this, I swear.” The younger said in a low and serious tone and it sounded a little like he was making a big deal about was just said. “I just like fashion a lot.”

So Hyungwon tried to fix the situation by being understanding.

“It’s not because you are a church boy that you need to pretend to be frigid, Changkyun-ssi.” He smiled and caressed the boy thin and light hair like he would do to a kid. Changkyun’s small smile made his heart go from 0 to 100 and then back to 0 in a couple of seconds. “We all know how teens are, there’s no wrong in it.”

“Yeah, we know…” The boy muttered, sounding a little frustrated even though he looked less uncomfortable than before. After an instant though, his eyes seemed to sparkle for just a moment and he looked at Hyungwon with a sardonic smile while the older was harmlessly sipping his coffee. “Wait! You are a teen as well.”

“What are you implying, Lim Changkyun-ssi?” Hyungwon said, slowly raising an eyebrow and trying not to smile while drinking his coffee. The boy was looking at him with a serious gaze but he could tell there was a laugh deep inside his throat.

“What are you implying by saying that I’m implying something, Chae Hyungwon-ssi?” The boy asked seriously and this time Hyungwon couldn’t control his laugh. After all, it wasn’t hard to make him laugh and he had to cover his mouth to prevent himself from spitting coffee all over the table. When Changkyun cracked a smile and a pair of dimples marked his face, the older felt his face go red and hot and his heart skipped a beat. Damn. He felt like he was using all his swearing capacity by cursing those dimples.

When Hyungwon finally controlled himself (what took a long time considering the fact that he ended up laughing more every time he tried to stop), his eyes fixed on Changkyun’s. They tenderly stared at each other for some seconds and it was friendly and agreeable. The teen felt like he could spend all his life staring at those deep dark and gentle eyes the boy had and he almost said it to him, but the reminding that this could destroy their fresh new friendship refrained him. So he swallowed his words and said anything else.

“What about Dolce & Gabbana?”

_ Don’t say you dislike it, don’t you dare _ , his mind was screaming it out loud and he easily got distracted again into the subject. Fashion was serious business.

“Their male stuff look dandy. I like it.” The boy answered and cutely smiled after. His expressions weren’t getting even a little less adorable so it was hard to Hyungwon to figure the boy wearing an old-fashioned suit or something similar. For that, he giggled and said:

“I can't believe you like dandy! Dandy doesn't suit kids.”

“Why do you keep calling me a child?” Changkyun snorted, trying to look annoyed but failing once he wasn’t actually feeling offended by the lighthearted jokes. So Hyungwon felt that it was ok to be a little sincere.

“Because if I admit that you're too mature to be a teen, you will act snobbish.” He said, sounding as honest as he wanted to. He really disliked false compliments, thus showing sincerity and trueness on his own praises were something really important to him. It was his unique way of letting people know that he cared. For his satisfaction, the boy seemed to feel joyful and maybe even a little touched by his words.

“No, I would never!” He assured with the certitude only young teens had. But then, seems a little less confident, he looked at his hands and muttered in a serious tone: “Are you talking seriously?”

“Yeah, I am. I won’t joke about it.” Both smiled at each other in synchrony and Changkyun’s cheeks went a little red. Hyungwon’s mind though wasn’t going to let it lie for he was a captious creature so, after some seconds of warm calmness, he added: “There’s also the fact that you are a little… Short, you know?”

This statement made the boy look deadly serious. It seemed like he was trying to send him a death glare but it wasn’t really working not when his face was blushed and he was holding a fairy mug. He looked like a small and tiny dog trying to act bigger, pretty much like a…

“Chihuahua. You are acting like a Chihuahua, Changkyun-ssi, stop doing this.”

—

When Hyungwon went back to his dorm, the first thing he did was to change Changkyun’s contact name to something more suitable. Chihuakyun was his choice and he thought it was a really nice one, even though he was going to be beaten to death if the boy saw it. He laughed quietly to himself, trying not to call the attention of his roommate, who was trying to study at the time while he was messing around in his smartphone.

For his complete disappointment, he failed.

“You should be studying, Hyungwon. You have tests next week, don’t you?” Yoo Kihyun’s voice sounded more irritated than anything and the teen flinched on this. His relation with the older wasn’t going very well since the incident that made everyone so aware of his homosexuality. His senior didn’t know about that even though they had been sharing rooms for some months and Hyungwon was sure that, if he knew, he wouldn’t even be friends for a start. So he was as surprised (and disgusted) as everyone else and, like the others, started mistreating his roommate. It was saddening.

“If you need help, I can help you.” He finished in a sweeter and more friendly tone.

Ok, mistreating maybe was an exaggerated word. Deep in the heart, Hyungwon was sure that Kihyun actually never hated him or even disliked him a single little. At the end of the day, they had been being friends for too long and not everything could destroy the affection they had for each other. But he also knew how hard it could be to discover that a great part of their relationship was based on covering up important things.

Because somehow sexuality was an important matter for both of them.

To start with, Hyungwon was gay. He knew how gay he was since his childhood, even before he was capable of feeling sexual attraction. It was something so attached to his personality and his being that he couldn’t simply ignore it. It was as natural as breathing so he only realized that his feelings weren’t exactly a nice thing when he was 11 years old and, since then, he tried to hide and he was so good at this that he hid himself for more 8 years before everything collapsed. How could that not be important to him? A great part of his story was built upon the fact that his heart and his body responded so crazily to boys but weren't exactly interested in girls, to his complete despair and misfortune.

Kihyun, on the other hand, was a Christian. He tried to be comprehensive and he tried to be lovable, but he couldn’t just forget all the things he heard about homosexuality since he was a baby. It didn’t matter to the ones who told him how filthy gays were if their Lord was a being of love: sometimes, some people deserved to be hated because their feelings were wrong and their actions were unnatural. He didn’t want to hate anyone though but his thoughts were messed and sometimes he preferred to be as far as he could from that kind of sinners. Sinners like Hyungwon, the boy he used to share a mattress with when they played video games until dawn and felt too tired to move after. The boy he saw naked and who saw him naked as well. A person he was so intimate with he felt like he knew all his secrets. But he was so wrong...

So it was harmful to both of them when those secrets were uncovered and the younger knew that his senior was hurting much since then.

“Thank you, hyung.” He said politely, before getting up from his bed and heading to the bathroom. He wasn’t in the mood of having a conversation with Kihyun since it was probably going to turn into something bad like normally happened.

“Hyungwon…” The older sighed and the teen felt like he knew he was trying to run away. Crap, he wasn’t really emotionally prepared for this. But what came was a surprise. A nice one.

“I’m serious, ok? I’m here to help you.”

Hyungwon felt his heart going weightless and all the air in his lungs seemed to disappear. Was he receiving a second chance? Kihyun hadn’t even looked at him once but his tone and his words were more gentle than everything he heard from him in the last months. He was unsure but he wanted to pick this opportunity and use it in the best way he could. At the end of the day, he knew how much of a sensitive person his senior was and that, even though he was so far when most of the violence against him took place, he was fully aware of how much his young friend was suffering — so it wasn't surprising they were having this kind of interaction right after the violent chase at the party and all the disrespect at his classroom. It was obvious that the older wasn't going to ignore all of this and it was nice to know that he had his support.

“Thank you, hyung.” This time it was for real. Hyungwon felt something warm growing on his chest: this time, he wasn’t going to fuck everything up.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you ever met this guy that can make your heart flutter just by looking at his eyes? You don’t know him well, you are not even in love with him, but you feel that maybe… In the future…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what the hell is going on and this chapter is a not readable thing but let's go don't let the updates die.

Yet Chae Hyungwon did fuck everything up. For a whole week after the almost-a-fight at his class, everything was fine, yet he managed to destroy the strange and peaceful aura that was set after meeting Lim Changkyun. They were starting to know and befriend each other and that was too nice to him. He didn’t feel so lonely anymore, even though he had no time to meet with his new friend again — they would exchange messages 24/7, so it was ok. It seemed that everything was finally getting better and that no one could harm him once again.

But reality hit him hard.

It happened during his lunchtime, when he managed to buy noodles for Kihyun and himself. Hyungwon wasn’t going to eat some delicious noodles and forget about Yoo Kihyun especially after his light-hearted act the week before. His senior was the mother-like friend but it didn’t mean that he wasn’t supposed to take care of him as well.

When he was going back to his room, hands busy with the bags, _ that guy  _ stopped him. The same bastard who thought it was a good idea to call his mates to beat him, but couldn’t do it due to Changkyun’s help. He wasn't his classmates but Hyungwon was pretty sure that he took at least a class with Kihyun —  _ does he bully you, hyung _ ?, the older would never answer what left him with the assurance that if the bully was so skillful in obsessing over someone that wasn’t even in his classes, why wouldn’t him do the same with someone who did? For this, Hyungwon hated him the most.

The guy stopped him with a smirk and crossed arms, but didn’t say a thing, what just got Hyungwon even madder. What was he thinking? His mere presence wasn’t going to scare the younger that much especially because he was the coward one who only attacked when surrounded by his dumb henchmen, not the teen. He was not going to pick another fight in such a little time, there was a limit for those kinds of childish plays. So he bypassed, ignoring completely the existence of his violent bully.

“Hey, flower boy, you better keep that chin low.” He said in such a loud and overbearing tone that some people turned around to look at them. The life of a student was so boring that every fight was like a show, particularly when it involved someone that so many expected to see beaten and humiliated. Hyungwon’s blood boiled and he asked himself if answering was a good idea. It wasn’t, but he did it anyway, in a loud tone, in front of everyone who was watching.

“And you better stop talking and start acting. Or maybe are you too coward to take action when not surrounded by your stupid henchmen?” His attitude turned to be so unexpected that a couple of “oh’s” was heard. Some people laughed and his first feeling was of shame and regret, the laugh of many normally meant his humiliation and he was sick of that. It took a time to him to realize that they were laughing at his bully and not at him because everyone knew that he spoke the truth — and of course, because cowards tended to be the most hated kind, even more than faggots like him. His words had some effect on the guy, who looked not only offended but also mad. He had a strong redness all over his cheeks and his hands were curled into fists, but the scariest part was his eyes, full of a hate that the teen knew so well.

“Keep saying shit and I'll beat the hell out of you, faggot.” His voice was calm but words were menacing.  _ Wow. Good. Now he is threatening me, _ out loud, in front of a big crowd of classmates and people they both knew. He was aware that those words weren’t empty, especially because the man actually tried to spank him in another occasion, in which his plans went wrong solely because he wasn’t expecting Hyungwon to disappear so quickly. Also, there was the fact that there was a lot of people listening: they weren’t going to forget what was said and it was going to spread all over the university.  _ Shit _ .

“Really? So why don’t you beat me right now? I'm waiting.” He should just shut up before things got worse, but there was a strong feeling in his chest impelling him to turn all of his thoughts into words. At this, more people stopped to listen and for some reason he was feeling triumphant for the first time: even though everyone hated him, at least he wasn’t the coward one. They were laughing at his bully and were silently cheering every time Hyungwon used informal and offensive words towards his violent senior. “Or are you afraid of being knocked down by a faggot?”

It was obvious that the older student had reached his limit. Hyungwon wondered if he was going to pick up a physical fight in the middle of the dorms if he was crazy enough to do it and to face expelling. To his relief, he turned away, taking a few irritated steps while everyone stared at both of them, the expectations too high and suffocating. He was choking with the poison of his very words, the teen realized with a timid but pleased smile. He giggled to himself when his bully raised a hand while raising an obscene middle finger and disappeared into the crowd, walking as fast as he could without losing all his pride.

On the other hand, at the very moment everyone turned to face Hyungwon, he felt like part of a broken spell. He was a timid person and there was nothing on the world that could make him comfortable when surrounded by teens and young adults who certainly were judging him. So he ran to his room after muttering incomprehensively apologizes, feeling the pace of his heart going completely mad. His lungs were hurting, face burning and handshaking. It took only seconds to regret what he did, for now, there would be revenge. So he only felt safer when he opened the door of his room, glad that Kihyun wasn’t there, slammed it shut and sank into his bed, letting a sigh escape between his lips.

Hands shaking, he picked up his phone. He needed to message someone to calm down, maybe even call Changkyun or Kihyun. The moment the screen lighted, a bunch of notifications popped into his face.

 

**10 unread messages**

 

Then he unlocked the screen and for his relief it was Changkyun. His heart calmed a little. The boy would send lots of messages when excited about a subject but wasn’t annoying about needing an immediate answer. He wouldn’t complain when Hyungwon forgot him to take a nap or to study a little — or to fight with his asshole classmates.

 

**Lim Changkyun** : Hyungwon-ssi

**Lim Changkyun** : You won’t believe it

**Lim Changkyun** : But I can’t go through this corridor

**Lim Changkyun** : This game is killing me, I’m quitting

**Lim Changkyun** : I can’t believe you said it was cool

**Lim Changkyun** : Let me give you a tip Hyungwon-ssi: it is not cool

**Lim Changkyun** : not

**Lim Changkyun** : at

**Lim Changkyun** : all

**Lim Changkyun:** !!!

 

Oh. He probably was playing Bloodborne. What a terrible friend Hyungwon was to recommend such a game to the boy. He laughed to himself before replying. It was a cool game indeed, but also quite… Frustrating. Ok, maybe not quite, but completely frustrating and that was why he liked it so much. Who doesn’t like challenges from time to time? He was sure that later Changkyun was going to thank him — or maybe not.

 

**Chae Hyungwon** : u r overeacting changkyun-ssi

**Chae Hyungwon** : just go look for some help on youtube

He reached for one of the bags he so carelessly had left on his table when entering the room, and got the noodles pack. It was still hot, what brought a smile to his face: at least not everything was going to be terribly bad in that day: he had nice and warm noodles and Lim Changkyun to chat with. Shrinking comfortably on his bed he separated his chopsticks and started to eat while waiting for an answer, that came just a minute after.

 

**Lim Changkyun** : I’m not cheating, I want to clear it on my own!!

 

“Seriously?” Changkyun really was something. If they were having this talk face to face, he would pinch his cheeks so hard it would left marks.

 

**Chae Hyungwon** : how stubborn can u be?

**Lim Changkyun** : Hmmm... A lot, I guess?

 

When he was done with eating, he wrote a little note to Kihyun about the noodles. They were going to be cold by his arrival, so he left them at the microwave and the only thing he needed to do was to turn the thing on. Changkyun kept sending him frustrated messages and he answered them with laughs and some tips. He even sent a picture of his annoyed face looking at the game and Hyungwon could only think of how cute he looked when pouting. It was such a couple-ish thing to do, send pictures of random moments…

_ C’mon, Chae Hyungwon, you are not a 15 years old dorama girl. _

After half an hour, he decided to take a nap. He should be studying, but his mind was exhausted because of the previous events and he knew that trying to concentrate would be a great waste of time. So he brushed his teeth and cleaned his face while sending random pictures and emojis to Changkyun for they had nothing to talk about but wanted to keep chatting.

For his surprise, when he was already chilling at his bed, he got a call.

At first, he thought it was his mother for she used to call at the most random moments. But when he found his smartphone, the name at the screen made his heart skip a beat for it scared him. Should he answer it? Why was this person calling so suddenly? Did the stories already reach his ears? Was he worried or did he only wanted to mock him?

No, Lee Minhyuk would never mock someone for reasons like those.

“Hyungwonie?” Minhyuk’s voice was sweet as always and the teen smiled at that, inevitably happy to hear him after two or three weeks without talking. He was still a little scared but the kindness in the tone of the older calmed him a lot, it was a kind of natural power he had.

“Hello, hyung.” The teen answered, trying to sound as neutral as possible. He didn’t know Minhyuk’s intentions and even though he was pretty sure they were nice — after all, the older was one of the best people he has ever met — being a little cautious would never be too much. The last time they spoke, they had a fight and it ended pretty badly with the two of them crying their hearts out, hurt and hopeless.

Well, Minhyuk was his ex-boyfriend. Their relation hadn’t lasted for too long, to be honest: they started dating right after Hyungwon had ended high school and after some months through university, all the shit happened. They were happy together and it wasn’t their fault that some messed up teens had the great idea of taking pictures of them during a date. The story spread quicker in Hyungwon’s university for the ones that took the photos were his classmates but Minhyuk, on the other hand, had the time to get out of the closet proudly so things weren’t as bad to him for people already knew about his homosexuality. He had nothing to hide and wasn’t seem like a coward for a start.

Afterward, Hyungwon wasn’t able to deal with all the stress that came with the revelation. Kihyun didn’t talk to him for two or three days and, when he did, it was cold and distant. It took a whole week before they were able to chat properly but their relation kept awkward until the day he offered to study together. Some of his classmates wouldn’t seat near to him and he had to move from the front of his class to its end. The boys whom he used to hang with started to mock him or to ignore his presence and even some teachers were hostile. For sure, it wasn’t Minhyuk’s fault, but he was so stressed that a relationship at that very moment turned into an impossible thing. They broke up in good terms, but Hyungwon was sure that he was hated.

That’s why they fought two or three times and mostly he was the one to blame. He felt abandoned and undeservedly hated, so he used to get all defensive and touchy every time they talked. The worst fight happened when Minhyuk announced, three months after their break up, that he had a new boyfriend, Hoseok, an old mate of them. Hyungwon felt hurt and they ended up shouting at each other, mostly because he complained about how awful and forgetful he was and then the gold-hearted Minhyuk tried to deny it by saying how he loved the younger and that he was blinded by his own suffering and didn’t even tried to understand what was going on. The only thing he knew it that he was going through a hard time.

And now, after the fight that succeeded an attempt of making up a previous nuisance, they were talking. He didn’t want to make things awkward but he was scared and suspicious, even if glad because that was the effect that Minhyuk had on people.

“How are you, Hyungwonie?” There was such a great sincerity in his voice that once again Hyungwon’s heart fluttered. It would be a lie if he said that he didn’t feel anything more for his ex: once you fall in love with Minhyuk, there’s no way back. Sometimes he would feel bad for their break up and his heart would hurt in jealousy when reminded that the older had a new boyfriend. But he knew that there was nothing to be done because what mattered was Minhyuk happiness and he was the happiest with Hoseok.

“I’m… I’m not really fine, but things are getting better.” Minhyuk sighed in relief, like the simple idea of his ex feeling not that bad was enough to take off a heavy carry of his shoulders. Hyungwon wasn’t going to lie. The last two fights had put him in a terrible mood, but he could see a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it was really hard to keep looking at it sometimes.

“Really? That's a nice thing, isn't it?” He sounded so glad and relieved for hearing that not everything was terrible. Damn, Hyungwon really missed talking with him in good terms. “Kihyun told me that you are seeing someone, is that true?”

_ Oh. So that little venomous snake has been talking to you. No wonder he is being so nice, he solely wanted to gather information _ . Hyungwon had to breathe deep to restrain himself from laughing at his own thoughts. It was nice to know that all of sudden they were ready to show some affection and concern. Probably the reason was the problem he had during the last party: the stories about what happened had spread all over his university and even though he told nothing to his roommate, he surely knew about them. Lucky Minhyuk said nothing about it: he wasn’t in the mood for it.

“I'm not really seeing him.” He answered timidly and a little sad. It would be so nice if the answer was positive…

“Aww, but you wish you were.” Yes, he wished indeed. How could he be so readable to Minhyuk? They knew each other so well… “How is he?”

‘He is a heterosexual Christian kid’ was the first thing that went trough Hyungwon’s mind. ‘Someone I don’t have a chance with’ was the second and he felt really terrible for it. Then he remembered his dimples, his smile, and his pretty dark eyes. He was like the nice teen from the movies, the kind that is so sweet and nice that ends up with the most beautiful girl even though he is not that pretty. At least it was how he felt about Changkyun for the little time they knew each other.

“Have you ever met this guy that can make your heart flutter just by looking at his eyes?” He immediately regretted the question and hoped not to be answered, especially because he knew that Minhyuk would talk about Hoseok. Gladly he said nothing and the younger took a deep breath. “You don’t know him well, you are not even in love with him, but you feel that maybe… In the future…”

“Awww, Hyungwonie, that’s sweet!” Minhyuk sounded genuinely excited. “But are you seriously telling me that you fell for a stranger?”

He laughed and threw his head hard against the pillow. Speaking like that it really sounded pretty awkward and Minhyuk wasn’t even that wrong.

“He’s not a stranger!” On the other side of the line, the older laughed and Hyungwon could see the mental image of his beautiful smile. He missed it. “We’ve been chatting all day, every day. That’s probably why Kihyun thinks we are seeing each other.”

“That’s pretty gay, you know.”  _ Oh, don’t you say, genius. _

“I am pretty gay, hyung.” Both laughed. It wasn’t even that funny, but Hyungwon almost never had the chance to talk so comfortably about his sexuality and the older was aware of that, so the joke lightened, even more, the mood. “And really I didn’t fall for him.”

“Yet,” Minhyuk said in a serious tone and the younger had to agree with him.

“Mm-hm… Yet.”

A strange silence lasted for almost half a minute and Hyungwon found himself lost in thoughts. How was Minhyuk doing? He hadn’t asked about it. And what about Shin Hoseok? He wandered so deeply in his own mind that the memories of his high school days started to pop. He remembered when they met, how close to Hoseok he was and how unreachable Minhyuk seemed to be. Kihyun was there for sure and even Hyunwoo. What was he doing? Had he graduated from college or was he still studying medicine? He couldn’t even remind of the last time they had talked. He missed all of them, their time together and how nice was to be the younger in a group of caring and loving hyungs 

 

If time could just turn back…

 

“Hyungwon?” He only realized the call was still on when Minhyuk called him. “Is everything ok?”

“Yes, it is. Why?” His lie sounded so awful that he cringed, obviously, everything wasn’t ok.

“You sighed.”

“Oh.” Should he tell the truth? What would he say? I want to go back to the past was a really childish thing to be said, but there was nothing that described his feelings better than this. So he told only half the truth, a little part of what actually was going through his mind. “I miss you, hyung. That’s all.”

The line went silent for a couple of seconds and the teen thought that the older had hung up or had felt asleep for any reason. Maybe his answer had bothered him and he felt scared about this possibility. Only after hearing a sigh, he received an answer.

 

“I miss you too.”

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than a month of waiting but voilá, here's the 4th chapter! Especial thanks to Mikaela who proofread this thing and to Julli for forcing me to write.

Two teenagers sat on the sidewalk, one wearing casual clothes, and the other one in a school uniform. They were talking, showing each other videos and seemingly having fun like teenagers should. But Lim Changkyun...

What the hell.

Lim Changkyun was quite upset, actually. Why the hell did all the cool lags and bugs happened to everyone else but him? Was his PC that good and his internet that fast? Because, damn, when he played Overwatch, nothing of those cool shit showed up to him. He truly liked the visual of colorful and fast games getting all messy, players getting stuck at their places and he getting the chance to hit three headshots in a row. But hell, this happened to Jooheon once and to Hyungwon, but never ever to him. What an unlucky player he was.

Hyungwon laughed, pausing the video he was showing. The boy stared at him with inquisitive eyes, trying to make him tell the truth; did he really record that video? Maybe he was trying to impress the younger by showing the ability of some stranger that used bugs to gain an advantage (it was a game and Changkyun wasn't the type of person that took competitive games that seriously, so for him it was just a fun and cool incident, not the kind of unholy cheat). But when his friend tilted his head a little to look at him and fucking smiled, his mind floated a little.

_ What was that? _

The beautiful smile on Hyungwon's plump lips almost made him blush. Okay, he was used to the fact that sometimes, in some situations, with some guys, his body used to feel strange urges (like his current desire of kissing those lips), especially if the boy was handsome and/or had a nice body. He'd think about grinding against his thigh like his best friend used to do before discovering how Changkyun hated it, which actually wasn't the case because he wouldn't be able to control the prominence of his boner if it was... Oh, fuck.

_ Fuck, fuck, FUCK. _

_ What the fuck am I thinking of? _

He could control himself better than this. He wasn't that much of a faggot,  and he surely wasn't feeling attracted to someone he just met two weeks ago and…  _ Damn _ . He focused again on Hyungwon's face. His smile was truly beautiful and he was too fucking handsome. As quickly as they came to his mind, he shoved these thoughts away with a desperate head shake and frantic blinking, trying to look as natural as possible.

"You really didn't find this video on the internet, right?" Changkyun asked with a questioning gaze. He knew how good he was at keeping a serious look — and how people tended to find it awkwardly funny.

"Are you doubting your hyung?" Hyungwon scoffed. In the back of his mind, the boy seriously considered smacking that pretty face of his for messing with his feelings so much all of sudden.

It wasn't like he hadn't thought before about the fact that Hyungwon was a handsome or that during those two weeks he hadn't envisioned a scene of them both kissing. It's entirely normal to think about those things when you meet a nice and beautiful person, completely normal and acceptable. At least if he wasn't considering the fact that he was a guy and that this person was also a guy. But really, who could judge him? Everyone says that the instinct of a woman can't be ignored and he really trusted women, so why not follow their example when most of them like men? Who was he to disagree?

And, wow, that man. Chae Hyungwon was  _ that man _ . He was so attractive that just by showing that he was comfortable enough to consider himself his hyung made Changkyun lose his shit. Because he wanted them to get closer, to get more intimate. That was a sign of success. Even though he hated himself so much for feeling his way, and tried his best to deny his unholy feelings, they were almost like instincts that worked to please them. He felt so happy and sickened at the same time...

"Since when are you my hyung, Hyungwon-ssi?" Changkyun questioned. Maybe he didn't intend to ask this question, but he was an annoying and overly curious person, and he simply couldn't control that about himself. The fact that Hyungwon laughed in this sweet tone of his again made the boy want to hit him. Things were getting frustrating in Changkyun's head.

"Hmmm… Since we chat pretty much all day every day by now?" Hyungwon teased, and he couldn't deny that it was a reasonable answer and made him feel warm inside. They really did talk a lot, maybe even more than he talked with Jooheon… Okay, not that much, the time he spent talking with his best friend was unbeatable. (They really loved to chat with each other about anything, and they had problems in school because of that). It was really sweet of him to think about their new friendship that way. So sweet it hurt because he couldn't find a good and annoying answer in response.

How could he prick him more about that issue?

"But we barely see each other," he said that with a deadly serious look, even more serious than needed.

_ Nice one, Lim Changkyun. _

This time, Hyungwon seemed to choke a little on his words and the boy shouted a yes in the back of his mind. Oh, how he loved seeing people bewildered by his dumb questions.

But the older recovered pretty quickly and his answer was so fucking adorable and made Changkyun want to hit him so damn hard (he had to take a deep breath to restrain himself from doing it).

"Then I guess we've gotta go out more." It's not every day that a man as pretty as Hyungwon says something as cute as this to a younger and considerably uglier person than him. Changkyun almost forgot that the usual is to boys don't like boys and that the older was being kind to someone he saw as a friend. But he quickly got back to reality for he needed to avoid the corny and romantic images his mind so quickly created.

He felt grateful but at the same time… He felt so sick.

Then he looked at his feet for a few seconds, questioning himself how should he act. The last days of his life had been quite frustrating, and the boy felt like exploding. It was really nice to meet Chae Hyungwon, probably the best thing that happened to him since that surprise party in which Jooheon threw a cake on his face and then licked part of it (most awkward party ever, he had to admit). But on the other hand, being so self-aware and thinking so much about his physical needs so suddenly was driving him crazy. It was probably Jooheon's fault (it was always him), with his annoying jokes and statements about his new friend and how they chatted like a couple ("We chat even more, hyung ." "But we are a couple, Kyunnie"). Or maybe it was just that people used to ignore his existence or bash on him for no reason, and that he finally had someone who wasn't his best friend to romantically fantasize about. It wasn't like he thought about Jooheon in that way (he maybe did it once when they were around thirteen, but it never happened again).

_ Maybe I should go _ . His mind was getting out of control, and the older was already looking at him like he had a social problem or something (he in fact did, it went by the unfortunate name of anxiety). He was going to meet up with Jooheon later anyway. It was Friday and they always played games together, slept in the same room, and then went to school the day after like zombies (who even cares about Saturday classes? They don't). Yes, he should go, there was no reason to stay there feeling so blue — and so red, maybe pink and green because, really, his feelings were going through a whole rainbow palette at the moment.

"Hyungwon-hyung." He enjoyed calling him that way. "I, uh, I need to go."

It wasn't what he really wanted to say or even to do. He needed to go indeed, but Jooheon could wait a little more and the time he was passing by Hyungwon's side was making him so soft and light-hearted. It was like jumping on big, white, fluffy clouds — and that was the huge problem. He couldn't control his homosexual thoughts, even as he tried to make them sound reasonable by repeating those childish things that his best friend told him. At the end of the day, he had no choice but to realize the wrong he was only hurting himself. It was so confusing to be him sometimes.

"Is it a no?" The older asked. There was no sassy-ness or irony; he seemed sincerely concerned about whatever was going on inside Changkyun's head. His voice sounded weak, much like a whisper. Like he was afraid of being rejected by his high schooler friend.

Changkyun wasn't even sure if he wanted to fuck him or to kill him at this point (and had no idea that Hyungwon was asking himself the same thing,  and that they evidently would choose the same answer).

Changkyun got up, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. Hyungwon didn't go along him, just watching, wrinkling his forehead in concern. How could Changkyun put the things he felt like saying in words?

_ Hmmm, you might think that I'm the dirtiest and most perverted creature alive after what I'm about to tell you, but since that night we met, I've been masturbating to the thought of you, and I really want to kiss you and have sex with you and hold your hand and share ice cream cones with you and do everything couples do because I'm a fucking disgusting homosexual. Please don't hate me, I hate myself enough. _

Yeah, he really couldn't say that out loud. So he improvised.

"No! I want to see you more. But to see you, I need to stay alive and I'll be freaking dead if I get home too late." Hyungwon jumped up from the sidewalk. It was really adorable, almost child-like.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Changkyun-ah." He said softly.  The boy mentally stabbed his own chest nine or ten times for his internal reaction to a simple nickname. His mother referred to him that way, and so did Jooheon. He tried to convince himself he didn't feel any different than he did when his mother called him that. If he denied it a million times, his perverted infatuation with Hyungwon was bound to go away.

The boy looked at Hyungwon's hand, taking a little more time than needed to realized  _ oh, I'm supposed to shake it _ . With a smile, he squeezed his long fingers gently, thinking about how they fitted each other perfectly. It was a stupid thought, but it wasn't like he could keep his mind away from wandering. They stayed like this for longer than needed but it didn't feel wrong, which made him feel worse.

"Stay safe," Hyungwon whispered as they released their grip. Changkyun turned around and walked as fast as he could, trying his best not to run.  _ Fuck, _ he hated himself so much. The pain in his chest was stronger than ever — he had thought that he had freed himself from it some months ago. What a delusional kid.

The sun was lowering quickly, and the bag hurt his shoulders and his lungs were hyperventilating. He imagined what Hyungwon was thinking, probably about his sudden awkward behavior. He felt like throwing himself under a car (luckily no vehicle passed by during his brief suicidal contemplation). He was embarrassed and guilty, even though he didn't do anything.

Guilt was actually becoming his default sentiment for Hyungwon.  He felt it at his worst once a day, typically after jerking off (he was a teenager after all). Every time he touched himself, his conscience screamed about how unnatural the images formed in his mind were, and how turned on he felt. Changkyun tried his best to like girls. He'd watch porn, heterosexual porn, however, it had no other effect than making him feel sick. He could see the beauty of the female body; they were curvaceous and smooth, but he couldn't feel a thing, and it didn't matter how hard he tried.

When realizing that there was no way he was going to feel attracted to girls, he tried his best to ignore his needs and feelings. He refused to masturbate, and wouldn't even allow himself to think about sex or romance. He would rather die a virgin than give into his feelings. It was easy until his best friend accidentally giving him a boner by mindlessly grinding against him during a horror movie at his house. His horror the day after was so intense that he looked for a priest immediately and confessed, although the tears in his throat made most of his confession incomprehensible. But the things he felt were incredible, so much so that he tried to forget it so temptation wouldn't fall over him again.

This time, however, there was no real reason to feel guilty. He did nothing wrong, at least physically. As long as you keep your thoughts to yourself, it's not a sin, right?

Right?

Suddenly, his esophagus was full of bile and gastric acid, and it was burning. Changkyun wasn't sure of anything anymore and he hated the feeling; he valued self-control (the only thing a human being can have certain control over), a virtue he used to have, or at least thought so. The simple idea of vomiting on the street because of guilt was more than embarrassing, humiliating at its best. What an awful scene.

Suddenly his phone rang. Oh, great, now he wasn't only in a destructive guilt trip, he was late as well, late enough to make his best friend call him. Jooheon was going to kill him (by killing he meant using the cutest aegyo possible to make him feel even more guilty, a thing he wasn't emotionally ready to handle). He deep breathed and tried to regain his composure by relaxing a little, which had a light effect on his body, but none on his mind. His damned phone wouldn't stop ringing, so he groaned loudly as he glared at his phone screen, asking himself if he should decline the call. Of course, he answered.

As expected, Jooheon was angry and spoke in a serious tone. Serious Jooheon was a strange and scary thing, and Changkyun preferred not to deal with him. Hanging up briefly sounded like a good idea, but doing it would only make the older even angrier and probably hurt. He could be a gigantic asshole sometimes, but hurting his best friend was something out he could never do, at least not consciously. He selfishly also didn't want to lose his video game punching bag just because he was feeling gayer and a little more messed up than usual.

So he sincerely said he was sorry, giving no excuses for his lateness. He hated dumb apologies: if he did it wrong, he simply did it wrong, there was no reason to play the victim. Life was a flow and humans should learn how to swim through the river without hitting the rocks and dead tree trunks. Sometimes, it was inevitable to go down a harder path, but there's always a way. He wasn't going to lay the blame on situations when he was the incompetent one. He could be a faggot, he couldn't deny it anymore even though he hated it, but he did his best to not let this interfere in his life. (At the time, he had no idea that letting the flow flows — letting himself be gay — was the best way to not be a hostage of life).

When they ended the call, his heart was calmer, but the pain was still there. The worst kind of feeling he had ever experienced was this awful self-disdain, a kind of pity he felt towards his own existence. He needed to put himself together before meeting his friend, so he chooses a song and quickened his pace, walking like he was trying to run from his problems. By the time he controlled his feelings, he already was at Jooheon’s door.

He was greeted with a wide smile, that reminded Changkyun that he would never get used to the ridiculously deep dimples his best friend had, or his chubby cheeks and small eyes. He was adorable with a kind of dedicated older brother feeling (a lie, he barely could take care of himself). Both forgot that the older was supposed to be upset and — his natural kindness and brightness would never allow him to be irritated at his dongsaeng for too long.

Also, they had games to be played, so there was no real reason to keep up a bad mood for too long.

—

The played video games for a while, enjoying themselves and having fun. The taller and older boy sprawled himself over his bed in ridiculous bear printed pajamas while the younger (and considerably shorter) boy sat on the floor in school pants and a random movie t-shirt. A pretty common scene actually, if it wasn't for the fact that for the second time that day Lim Changkyun was upset.

He had no idea how the subject of their conversation changed from the strongest Overwatch character to the reasons for his lateness. He had properly apologized two times already, wasn't it enough? There was no real reason to discuss how angry he looked when he arrived at his friend's house, nor about his apparent distraction and incapacity to stay focused on the game. Jooheon was clearly overreacting. 'But I can feel your bad vibes, Kyunnie!' he'd said, what an exaggeration. He wasn't feeling any different, he really wasn't.

 

He totally was.

 

Thus it would be a lie to say that his mind wasn't wandering through the earlier part of his day. It was annoying to be like that, your brain turning between present to near past randomly. A moment ago, he was only concerned about shooting more people than Jooheon, and now his mind was stuck to the image of Hyungwon's lips. He was so distracted that when they changed the game, he mistook the game controls with the previous one. A stranger wouldn't realize all those subtle changes, but Jooheon was his best friend, not a stranger. He could almost smell when the younger was overthinking and the smallest behavior change was like a red light to him. Changkyun had a bizarre and eccentric personality, but he almost never carried with him a heavy atmosphere, not if everything was right — what surely meant that something was off at the moment.

"I don't understand, Changkyun-ah. You always tell me everything, why are you so reserved today?" The question obviously intended to make the younger tell what the hell was going on, and it didn't matter how much Changkyun repeated that everything was all right. Jooheon was more stubborn than a kid learning to walk.

"I don't want to talk about it," He murmured. Why couldn't he just avoid the subject until he forgot about it? To put more strength in his statement, Changkyun picked a random pillow and threw it at his hyung; unfortunately, it had no effect but making him more comfortable by hugging the thing.

"We both know that this is about you liking guys, so whats the problem? Talk to me." The seriousness in his voice kept unchanged even by the squishy face he had when his face was pressed against a fluffy pillow. Changkyun's heart hit his rib-cage like a thunder. He wasn't expecting Jooheon to talk so directly about something that clearly was hurtful and hard to the younger. He had no other move than to be as direct as his hyung was, even though he was ashamed and maybe a little offended. So he turned to directly look at him, pausing their Super Smash Bros match.

"I don't want to sin, Jooheon-hyung!"

The older raised his eyebrows, obviously surprised by the straightforward answer. If the boy wasn't talking seriously, his eyes would have sunk on his face for how hard he wanted to roll them at his friend's surprise.

"It may sound ridiculous but that's the fucking problem and you know that, so stop playing the dumb one. Can we just not fucking talk about it?" Were they really having this conversation? He hated this subject.

"You were feeling bad because of this shit, so we better talk about it. I'm your hyung, after all." Jooheon replied. Changkyun thought it was the dumbest excuse ever for such a childish older friend. It wasn't like Jooheon didn't try his best, but sometimes his best was far from enough. It seemed though that at the moment he wanted to use his powers as a creature that got earlier to this world than the kid that was near to him.

"Also I have a surprise for you," Jooheon began. "You already sinned and it was fucking awesome. So if this is the thing you're concerned about, no more worries, you already deserve hell! So go fuck your gay crush, for God's sake!"

Damn.

Changkyun froze. His heart stopped for some seconds and he truly felt like dying. They promised to never ever talk about that again, to act like it never happened, to ignore what they did and never try again. Why was he bringing up such a regrettable event from their past? It almost destroyed their friendship for the younger couldn't look at Jooheon's face the weeks after. He had nightmares about it, cried for nights straight thinking of how fucked up and repulsive he was. He thought about suicide because he was so disgusted with himself (although he never told Jooheon).

"I confessed about it, hyung. It's past, I repented for what I'd done, so please…" Changkyun trailed off, hoping Jooheon knew that Shut the fuck up clearly was the unspoken part. His voice was low and dangerously serious, contrasting with his emotions: he wanted to scream, to release all his thoughts by yelling at his friend.

Jooheon frowned at him, looking like he could punch his face if he asked again not to talk about that. He was trying to help him, couldn't he see? (But you can't really help a person that doesn't want to be helped, something the older wasn't aware of at the time).

 

Changkyun thought that he wasn't going to be mocked again, and he really wasn't in the mood to think about, Jooheon quickly sat on the bed, looking at him with a deadly serious gaze. By his face, the boy could tell that he wasn't only saying all of this for fun; he was actually very worried. The younger knew that he didn't deserve such a gentle and caring friend and that alone him even more.

"I've got it," Jooheon announced, and the younger boy raised an eyebrow. Got what? He truly was afraid of what could be said next and Jooheon seemed to feel it. He spoke very slowly and carefully. "You're afraid of not repenting if you fuck that Chae Hyungwon guy."

The silence after was oppressing. Changkyun's eyes widened a little, even though he was able to keep a neutral and relaxed expression. He hadn't ever thought about it that way… But it didn't lack its logic. He obviously would regret it and feel dirty, but would it be enough to make him stop? He didn't stop that night when he had made out with his best friend, even though he was crying his heart out. It was painful to realize that he wasn't only dirty; he was weak as well.

The younger couldn't find an answer. He turned around, resting his back against the bed, and sighing out loud. Jooheon's gentle hands patted his head, caressing his thin dark hair. He accepted the fondness, clinging a little to the older direction. He was trapped in a void of self-pity, hate, and disbelief. It hurt so much and the only person who was able to comfort him was the same imbecile who pushed him a little more inside that storm. He hated Jooheon for all the same reasons he loved him.

He probably hated Jooheon for other reasons as well, like not letting a conversation end when it wasn't supposed even to have happened to begin with. Why were they going back to that damned subject?

"What?" He asked, sounding a little too harsh. He only wanted to play some Smash Bros and kick Jooheon's ass with his crazy abilities with Kirby, but the older wanted to chat and pretend to be a serious person — his intentions were good, but the young boy was about to explode anyway.

"You confessed about that time?" Jooheon asked, and Changkyun rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. What was his friend thinking? That he lied about it? The following question was even more stupid if it were even possible.

"To the pastor?"

A hundred million possible answers filled Changkyun's mind. For the third time that day, he was feeling upset, but not just a little: he feeling extremely upset. Jooheon wasn't only bringing up the subject again, he was asking the most obvious and unnecessary things. Instead of losing his temper though, the boy laughed lightly and bumped his head against the mattress, raising his hands like he was surrendering.

"No, hyung, to your mom." Before the older could say anything more, he rushed himself, getting to the serious part. "Obviously it was to the priest. Did you not?"

"No, why would I? I did nothing wrong!"

_ Stop trying to make this sound natural.  _ he thought. It's not.  _ I'll keep hating myself, and you'll stop trying to make me feel comfortable with the fact that I'm disgusting. _ However, he wouldn't say that or the conversation would feel heavy again. He didn't want this to happen.

"So he knows that I had your dick inside my mouth?"

The memory made him blush. He had a bright and clear image of that night inside his mind and even though he tried his best to avoid it, it wasn't something he could simply forget. Thankfully, his face was buried on the mattress and he didn't need to look at Jooheon while the image of him on his knees moving his head back and forward filled his head. It was painful even to remember it (and to realize how much he wanted to do it again, but this time with a different person). He had to deep breathe before making up a decent answer.

"No, he doesn't?" I think he doesn't. "I mean, I didn't tell it was with you." He probably knew anyway, though. Who else would want to take away the innocence of the sweet Lim Changkyun besides him? Jooheon wasn't homosexual, just really curious about everything. He also made it clear that he didn't believe that love between two people that are able to consent can be a crime in any matter; not legal, moral or religious. For this, his sexuality was kind of a trendy subject between some people in their church who liked to partake of the life of others. He liked girls, although and sometimes he got aroused by boys, especially if they were close to him — he wasn't really looking for a same-sex relationship.

"Have you told him about the second part?" Jooheon blatantly asked.

"The one that I had your filthy dick sucked in my mouth? Yes." There's no half confession, and even though he wanted to forget this part the most, hiding it away even from God, he couldn't simply omit it when telling everything to the priest. He may have left out the fact that the humiliating sensation of Jooheon bumping his pelvis against his face was the hottest thing he ever felt and the most sinful as well. He thought how it would feel to do the same thing with Hyungwon…

Shit.

"Nope, that part when I took a pic after cumming all over that ugly face of yours."

Oh. There was that part also. Changkyun felt sick, burying his face even more on the mattress. The cumming part was real, though the photo wasn't really a thing. Jooheon was only trying to make him feel upset.

"I still have it, you know," Jooheon said.

"Have what?" The boy asked, embracing his own body with his arms and laughing quietly. "Jooheon-hyung, your phone wasn't even with you at the moment. You're messing with me."

"Ugh, you are  _ so _ boring!" The older complained, throwing a pillow at his friend. He laughed and threw is back.

"And you are  _ so _ stupid!"

The pillow fight kept going for a few minutes (very cautiously because both were afraid of hitting the TV or a shelf). While beating Jooheon with his fluffy weapon, Changkyun couldn't stop thinking about how he fell for Jooheon when they were twelve. At the time, they knew each other for some years, but the start of puberty jumbled his emotions. His feelings were a mix of pure love and a strange physical need. They only got painful when he heard a conversation about sodomy and was finally able to understand what it was; the dirtiness of his feelings was described in the Bible, in their sacred scriptures and he couldn't just keep pretending he didn't care. Since then, he turned into his worst enemy.

There was also the fact he couldn't stop the mental face-palming after realizing why he was for falling for someone like his best friend. Jooheon was everything but a beauty standard, having an annoying amount of cuteness and insanity, to say the least. (His current crush, though, was much more like a model… The older, the pickier.) In the end, he was glad their friendship wasn't ruined by all their wrongs, especially by his wrongs. After a deep conversation, a destroyed pillow, and a lot of sweat, they ended up exhausted, positions switched, with Jooheon on the floor and Changkyun on the bed.

"You know, Changkyun-ah… You're only harming yourself." Jooheon whispered, sounding out of breath. The boy looked at him with a sad smile.

"I'm just doing the right thing." He said calmly, even though thinking that way was hard on him. He was doing his best to do the right thing, but he couldn't find a way to stop hurting. Jooheon was shaking his head in a tired and annoyed way.

"No, Kyunnie, you're not… You know, one does not simply 'pray the gay away.'" Although the younger wanted to laugh, he found himself only able to close his eyes to confine the sudden need to cry. When Jooheon realized that he wasn't going to get an answer, he said in a low and worried tone, "I don't want to see you hurting yourself like this," while reaching for Changkyun's locks and carefully tussling them.

Changkyun held his wrist, caressing it affectionately. Why was Jooheon so good to him? He didn't deserve it.

"It doesn't hurt that much if  _ I want _ things to be like this," he muttered, eyes closed and enjoying the sudden affection he was receiving. He had the best friend possible, it was a pity that he liked to fuck his mood from time to time, saying things like…

"But do you?"

As if he knew the answer.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG NOTE WITH SOME WARNINGS
> 
> So, yeah, I did it again: posting a chapter just to delete it and add a longer version of such chapter. Shame on Rocky, she's messing with everyone.  
> This one can be strong for people who passed through homophobic bullying. I myself am a queer Christian (like yeah, we exist) and been Christian and queer since I was born. Those two things are some of the few certainties I have on my life and gladly I have open minded parents. They both are from Christian oriented religions just like me but have been strong and active allies during all their lives, not only for me. Having supportive parents didn't stop bullying though, and besides my current relation with a man and a couple of male dates, all my pre-teens and teenage significant ones, dates and whatsoever were girls. To add up to it, I'm a very androginous girl with strong features. Bullies were everywhere, school and church, even in family and not every of the little group of friends I had were prepared to deal with being attacked because of me.  
> This chapter is a little personal. Kihyun here is very similar to two or three church friends I ended up forgiving and everything worked out well. I wanted to show his side as well. Fear is ilogical and can make people decide for very terrible positions. He's not a bully here, just a selfish and afraid friend.
> 
> I hope you all like it.

**Chae Hyungwon** : so he just ran away like smth was wrong

**Chae Hyungwon** : what if he knows that im gay?

**Chae Hyungwon** : what if he had a slight idea and now hes sure?

**Chae Hyungwon** : minhyuk pls tell me im overreacting

**Lee Minhyuk** : omg you’re overreacting hyungwonah

 

If Chae Hyungwon wasn’t so caring about his personal stuff, his smartphone would already have been thrown against the floor. Annoyance wasn’t enough to define what he was feeling as he strongly questioned himself: could at least for a second a person take him seriously? He was truly bothered by the situation and jokes were completely unwelcome. Changkyun hadn’t had answered any of his messages since the day before, nor the questions about his health, nor the videos that were sent, not even the great article about Bloodborne. The young man was having a terrible anxiety crisis and was about to eat his own fingers in despair.

 

The last class of Saturday had ended already and still, there was no answer. His aura was so negative that no one had even thought of talking to him, either to mock or to ask why he seemed so nervous. The professors themselves weren’t complaining about his constant text sending -  he heard his Child Law professor, an old and gentle lady, asking if he was ok to one of his classmates. What would brighten his mood any other day (knowing that someone cared enough) just made him even more sick for he hated the idea of being pitied.

There was no actual reason for such a reaction. Like he himself wouldn’t answer for long hours when busy, Changkyun would do the same if needed. The thing was: proper reasons normally would be given, what hadn’t happened. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since they’d met for the last time, but the fact that no message was answered and he had no idea why was nerve-wrecking, especially because…

 

Because of what?

 

It wasn’t like he was a possessive person, far away from that. But having an anxious mind can be messed up sometimes, especially when all those intrusive thoughts start to bloom like cruel and prickly flowers. He finally was feeling comfortable near someone after months of solitude and just thinking about losing this person was a possibility he couldn’t endure, even though some remnants of sanity kept yelling at him that it all those things hadn't even happened, they were all created inside his mind. Surely the boy acted weird, but this wasn’t any different or worse than any of his previous weird fade-outs when he was busy, frustrated by something or simply tired. Also, his words weren’t  _ that gay _ , at least not enough to trigger a reaction of repulse. Were they?

 

The smartphone ringed repeatedly.

**Lee Minhyuk** : hyungwon

**Lee Minhyuk** : chae hyungwon answer me

**Lee Minhyuk** : I know you are torturing yourself with dumb overthinking

**Lee Minhyuk** : but for god’s sake you need to fight it

**Lee Minhyuk** : do you want me to call you?

 

He knew Minhyuk was in class. He didn’t want to disturb, but something deep inside said that accepting was the smartest answer.

 

**Chae Hyungwon** : please

 

A couple of minutes went by after his friend viewed the message. Hyungwon could clearly imagine him slowly getting up from his chair, trying to respectfully sign to the teacher that he had to go away for a couple of minutes or more. Was he a bad friend for putting Minhyuk into this situation? Was he selfish?

No.

He hadn’t demanded attention or forced Minhyuk into listening to him but simply accepted a helpful hand. Though relying on someone everytime can be toxic for both parts, accepting help isn’t a selfish action. To care about your emotional health and to let people reach out when they are able to is nothing more than being human. Weren’t they friends after all?

The phoned barely rang before he answered it.

“Hey! I know you are hurting right now, but can we have a serious talk, Hyungwon?” The happy goofiness normally present on Minhyuk’s voice wasn’t there. In its place, he showed a very worried friendliness that did not surprise the younger but made him a little self-conscious. For a long time, he knew he was suffering and he knew that people were aware of it, but thinking straight about it he never took his time to think on how much he was showing it and that it could leave people worried. Well, for so long he was so sure that no one truly cared about him anymore. What an idiot.

“Sure.”

“Nice. I know your trust in humanity is probably destroyed and all those clichés. But really? You need to recompose yourself. You are overthinking every little thing since we started talking again and it has been, like… Two days.” How could someone be so sweet although so mandatory at the same time? Hyungwon had no idea anymore in if he was talking to his ex or to his mother.

“I know that! I’m very awar--” And for the sake of his anxiety, he got interrupted. Nervousness and stress grew hot from his heart to his lungs and stomach, running like volcano’s lava up to his throat and mouth. His tongue felt sour.

“If you were very aware of that, you would try to stop yourself. But no, you kept doing the same thing throughout this morning and barely changed your attitude. C’mon, you can do better than that. Count up to ten and tell me: are you sure the boy is upset with you or is it just a possibility?”

Hyungwon froze for an instant. He was so sure about Changkyun now being his new archenemy that no other possibility had crossed his mind. This was… Pretty ridiculous. A deep sighed came before he could talk.

“He still has not answered me. That’s why I…”

“That’s why you got deeper into your catastrophic fantasy instead of waiting for that answer. You know, not answering can mean a lot of things and being upset is one in a million of them. You are no mind reader, Hyungwon, nor a fortune teller. The world won’t change the time for you, so just… Calm down.” Even though his words were harsh, his tone was almost motherly and the teen could feel all that care and love. The message sank at the moment he just realized how he worked on the same frequency when they were living their crisis and how it just turned everything worse. Not everything was about himself — he had to remember those words. People had their times and their reasons, and he was feeling hopeless just because he couldn’t control them.

“I know that it’s hard, but you have to work through it. Do anything, study, work on your papers, call me if needed, but don’t let this feeling imprison you. The deeper you get into it, the harder it will become to go out. You know it.”

“Yeah, I do.”

They spent some seconds in silence, appreciating the serious conversation. For the first time in months, they were talking seriously over other things than their numerous fights. Nice signal to their friendship and to Hyungwon’s emotional health.

“You can go back to class now, hyung. Thank you.”

“You are welcome, Hyungwonah.” His heart felt warm as they hung up.

 

 

“Oh, damn.”

 

**Chae Hyungwon** : hyung i forgot smth

**Lee Minhyuk** : what?

**Chae Hyungwon** : can people crush someone in 2 weeks ?

**Lee Minhyuk** : I guess so?

**Chae Hyungwon** : fuck?

**Lee Minhyuk** : seems like a nice idea, go ahead and do it

**Chae Hyungwon** : i hate you

 

It took hours but Minhyuk was proven right.

“It’s Saturday, hyung. You are coming.”

After receiving a call from an unknown number and answering it, Hyungwon felt the smashing feeling of tension relieve taking him down. He was almost knocked out by the relaxation that came after so much anxiety adrenaline and thanked the heavens for it. He was already exhausted and wouldn’t be able to handle such feelings for much longer — a breakdown was the last thing he wanted.  _ Life is so damn _ good. Better than everything: the younger seemed pretty focused on making it possible for them to meet again. Sadly, it wasn’t.

“I can’t. My end term tests are coming and I’m already fucked”,  _ I couldn’t study in class because of all the damn bullies, my term is almost lost because of it and my parents aren’t having none if it goes like this _ . If Changkyun knew he was bullied, he would certainly ask why and the answer wouldn’t come so nicely. Their friendship was important and some truths could — or maybe should — be hidden. They were nice like that.

“It doesn’t matter. Study tomorrow, I trust you, you are smart!” The boy squealed like a teenage girl talking to a kid. It was annoyingly cute, or maybe cutely annoying, Hyungwon couldn’t say. But those attitudes weren’t changing his mind, not when he truly had to put all his energy into studying. He wanted to see him, hug him, pinch his cheeks, but the time wasn’t the best.

“You are terrible at this, Changkyunah.” He wasn’t being honest, though: his heart was actually beating like crazy, face burning like hell. “Also cutesy is a terrible tactic and you are not getting me with such a low blow.”

From the other side of the room, his roommate, who until the moment was trying to hide the fact that he was secretly listening by pretending his headphone was playing something, laughed. At first, Hyungwon paid no attention and didn’t care at all, but suddenly a flying pillow hit his head, making he lose grip on his smartphone. He caught it just in time of listening Changkyun asking if something was wrong or if he was busy.

“I’m sorry, my roommate just…” Immediately Kihyun got up, interrupting what was going to be said and rushing towards Hyungwon to catch his smartphone. The younger had barely any time to react before his senior start saying whatever he was planning to say.

“Actually he’s lying, he pretends to cringe but cutesy is the best thing to catch his heart.”  _ Oh no. Oh no, Kihyun, you got everything wrong _ . Blood was rushing like crazy through his face, his heartbeat painfully pounding in an abnormal rhythm. He tried to catch the smartphone before anything more compromising was said, but was easily dodged. “Also make us a favor and take him to that damn party or whatever before he goes crazy. Bye.”

Kihyun triumphantly held the phone high over his head, giving Hyungwon a giant smile, like he just won a trophy in a difficult competition. But the younger eyes were wide open, his mouth murmuring in despair as he reached for his smartphone without any fight. What had he done wrongly?, the older asked himself, out of the blue aware of how troubled his friend looked. He was just trying to help, wasn’t he?

“I’m so sorry, he probably thought I was talking to a girl! Ignore him!” Hyungwon said in a hurry, his words one over another and barely comprehensible, as his senior started to feel worried and desperate. What was going on? Wasn’t the boy he was talking with his current date? His thoughts were confused but slowly everything just started to sink in. In front of him, the teen was desperately trying to make whatever was messed up right. His fear was obvious in his talking and expressions.  “And, yeah, I’m going to the event, even my roommate wants me out of here.”

Those words hit Kihyun hard, but not as hard as his realization. He adored Hyungwon, that was a fact, even though he had gotten socially ostracized and constantly bullied for being his friend (what also led him to feeling somehow salty towards the younger, not only for his hidden secrets but also the fact that everyone thought they were a couple. It took a long time for him to overcome those hard emotions), but the simple idea of what he was doing to himself made the senior blood boil. He couldn’t be that social masochist besides the fact that… Well, he was.

He waited for the call to end, what due to Hyungwon’s anxiety was pretty quick. It was so obvious that he was about to lose his mind when he hung up, especially as he tried to run away. Kihyun blocked him, holding his arm with a strong but reassuring hand. He was so absolutely angry but couldn’t show it, not just when they started to get along again. Also, he was aware that what he did the minute before was unwise and unfunny but compared to what the younger was doing, he could leave apologies to a future moment.

“What the hell are you up to?” He asked, trying to control his voice tone. Maybe he sounded too angry, even threatening, but it was far better than shouting his mind. The teen was shaking and he looked at his senior completely confused.

“What are you talking about, hyung? You just took my phone away from me and fucked ev--” And was interrupted by a frustrated laugh.

“No, you can't be serious! I thought that...” He had to deep breath two times before going on, letting a very strong sigh go out. “You are so into this guy, Hyungwonah, and does he not know that you are gay? Are you trying to force yourself into depression again?”

“Excuse me?” At this point, the boy was so confused he couldn’t keep up with Kihyun’s talking. Everything seemed unreal to him and he was not able to find sense in the situation. “I don’t get you, I don’t get what you are talking about.”

“You can’t be that dumb! You are fantasizing about this guy, you are so into him but he doesn’t know that you are gay, he is not answering you in a romantic way and still, you are investing in him like that.” Kihyun was angry. Though his thoughts weren’t really organized and his words were even messier, the fact was that he was worried. He knew how much Hyungwon was suffering and by knowing that he was pretty sure that developing an unhealthy relationship based on unrequited love was simply the worst way of dealing with it. “Stop it.”

Hyungwon flinched, trying to escape his senior’s grab. Everything he said made complete sense now, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to get hurt by it.

“So you are saying that I can’t be his friend.” The boy said, a little confused still on the conclusion. That made his senior even angrier.

“No. No! You can be friends with him, but you need to change your attitude before it’s too late.” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow, asking for more on that topic. Kihyun was gesticulating already, a mix of nervous and angry. “Be his friend. But his friend, not the one who is desperately in love with him even though you are not sure if he’ll be able to respond. Don’t hurt yourself this way. Stop creating fantasies.”

For a brief instant, Hyungwon smiled. So his hyung was worried about him. Obviously to inspire worry for any reason wasn’t something good, but the constant proofing that the older didn’t hate him, at least not anymore, was heartwarming. The confusion of feelings was making him a little overwhelmed just a moment earlier but now that things were settled down he could let a nice emotion win over the others. He had a friend on Kihyun.

“I’m worried about you, Hyungwonah. I just want…” There were a lot of sighs going on there. He just couldn’t control his motherish self. He sat at the boys bad and so did his friend, both already tired of the heated discussion. They now could calmly look at each other. “I just want you to be happy, ok? You can kiss whatever person you want to, have any friend you want, but don’t make yourself suffer like that. You need to take care of yourself, there are a lot of people doing shit on you already.”

That was certainly more than Hyungwon thought he would have. So was Kihyun finally accepting the fact that he was gay? Wasn’t he the complete homophobe Christian, the one that thought that homosexuality was an unbearable sin? So he had changed his mind for good, the younger had no idea why though. He thought it was just the right time to ask.

“I thought that you hated gays, Kihyun.” He said simply.

The senior looked away for a second, deep breathing and messing with his own hair. It was such a complicated issue for him, much more than Hyungwon could think. He didn’t want to lay the blame on his friend for his own selfish actions, but in fact, his homophobic behavior had too much to do with the fact that he wasn’t strong enough to deal with all the harassment that started right after that reveal.

“If you don’t want to talk about it then don’t. We can talk later.” And as Hyungwon got up from his mattress, Kihyun let a small no go out, almost unconsciously. After all, they truly needed to lay all their cards on table before saying that their friendship was healed. So he grabbed Hyungwon’s arm and pulled him back to the bed, a little more roughly than he wanted.

“You know they started to prick on me, don’t you?” His words sounded sadder than he wanted to. Hyungwon said a confused hm? before getting what was Kihyun talking about. “My classmates, yours, even some people that didn’t know any of us. I was an idiot because I was so scared. They were threatening me.”

A silence grew between them. Kihyun felt so selfish. In fact, he was homophobic before meeting Hyungwon, before realizing that his roommate was gay. He had never met LGBT people before him, so in his mind, the images were of offensive people he wouldn’t be able even to relate to for they were violent, disrespectful and egoistic. But Hyungwon wasn’t. He was sweet, smart and a very reliable person even if his personality could be a little sour. He was a good friend and a good person. Later on, he met other people like him and just learned how unjust the world could be.

So after leaning against the wall and making themselves comfortable onto the bed, Kihyun started talking.

When no one knew about his homosexuality but Kihyun, everything was ok. He could pretend he had no idea about it and imagined that since the teen wasn’t telling anyone, it was because he wanted to keep it a secret. So he dumbly respected it and acted like a complete ignorant, even though he could hear the calls the boy tried to hide by locking himself into the bathroom while exchanging sweet words with a person that obviously was a man. It was easier that way, less confrontational. Evidently only until a bomb exploded over both of their heads.

The day after explicit pictures of Hyungwon and his supposed friend Minhyuk kissing were sent to almost every single student of their university, a person came to Kihyun asking if they were boyfriends. It made no sense at all: if he was kissing a completely different person, why would Kihyun be his partner? Even if it lacked any logic, people started to humiliate him because of it. At first, he directed his anger to the last person who deserved it, for he was reckless in exposing himself that way. It took weeks before realizing how dumb he was, but the damage was already done and it huge and deep.

At that the younger closed his eyes, letting a theatrical cry escape through his lips. Only he knew how painful those days were when everything still seemed like a nightmare that he couldn’t wake from. Sometimes he would open his eyes in the mornings thinking that maybe, when he crossed the door, it all be like it used to: no one would know and he would keep hiding. But that moment never came and that’s how he realized the realness of what happened: there was no running away.

“You asked me once why I was still your roommate after all of this,” Kihyun muttered. “I was an idiot, a terrible friend, but I was afraid someone could hurt you.”

With time people realized that Kihyun and he truly weren’t a couple. The older not only had had girlfriends but also was very respected by the pastor and everyone else from his church. Some of their fellow colleagues were also Christians and they all got Kihyun’s back, turning his less of a target. He understood that if he tried to defend his friend, he would be bullied by everyone. If not, there were a lot of people to reassure he had nothing to do with the boy but being his roommate. He chose not being someone that could be aimed.

“I received violent words, random pushes from people I didn’t know. Threats, lots of them, even death ones. I was afraid that someone could try to hurt you like they were trying to do with me. But… Well, I was a coward. I did my best to stop them from doing that to me. I was a terrible friend and for that… I’m so deeply sorry.”

Their hands were strongly tied at that moment and it felt like they couldn’t let it go. Kihyun was crying but Hyungwon was capable of holding his tears. He had always been the strongest of the two.

“Please... Forgive me.”

The younger released their grip. Kihyun felt lost and devastated. He knew what was coming.

“I’m not sure if I can. Not now.” Their breaths were deep, erratic and nervous. It was such a tense moment and anything said wrong could destroy to tenuous bridge that was being built between them.

“I understand. I respect that.” Once again, their hands were together. “Can we work it out?”

“Sure. Just don’t make me cry. I have an event to go to.”

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to post a new chapter last month, but I've been soooo busy. I'm probably not taking that long for the next update, I promise. This and the next ones are supposed to be sweet and funny. Hope you like it!

“Then… This is how church parties are..?”

Hyungwon wasn’t really expecting anything better, but to see the actual reality was still kind of disappointing. The only thing that looked remotely good was the food — it would be surprising if not, considering the strangely high amount of motherly looking women present there. Even the religious music was more annoying than it would normally be, mostly a consequence of a terrible audio system. At an end, not to be completely pessimistic, the fact that Changkyun was there seemed to be enough to compensate the number of elders and annoying kids and he couldn’t do otherwise but smile.

“Yeah, and I hate these.” The boy answered, holding his friend’s arm to pull him through the tables towards the end of the party hall. The senior smiled a little more, trying to focus on what Kihyun had said just an hour ago, but failing miserably: his friend was simply too adorable. “That’s why I called you.”

“To kill us both of boredom, I suppose.”

“Am I boring to you?” Changkyun sounded just a little offended and his ability to hide his feelings made it harder for Hyungwon to catch if he was hurt or simply joking. So he apologized anyway: “No way, I was joking.”

Changkyun smiled, showing his cute dimples and looking pretty child-like: “I know.”

They sat at the most distant table, dislocated from the agitation of parents talking about their children and children being what they are best at, noisy little creatures. The boy checked his smartphone for some seconds before asking if his hyung was hungry and both decided they were waiting some time before eating — although the food looked good, they weren’t prepared to face the people between their table and the food table.

For a short while, they chatted about random stuff: games, school, university, housework. The younger seemed to be a very intelligent young man but at the same time sounded completely nonconformist with the way the education system worked. He talked about dropping out, how this was a decision he was willing to make, and that his parents at least seemed supportive in a very strict way (he could do it but had to put his mind and efforts into something else). Even though there was an aura of awkwardness between them that Hyungwon couldn’t really explain, he was feeling good in being there. His senior was right: there was no reason to hurt his own self with an impossible dream, that friendship was already good enough. He was feeling  _ happy _ .

Things got strange after Changkyun had checked his messages for the fourth or fifth time. He started to look somehow uneasy and impatient (and he truly looked pretty and more mature when irritated, something the older was trying so hard to ignore), the conversation flows quickly going downhill as he seemed to lose the grip of his attention. Hyungwon was worried, but had no idea of what was going on and wasn’t sure about asking. So he tried to start working around of the issue, try the possibilities.

“Is… Is your girlfriend coming?” He asked, trying to sound unpretentious and interested enough to be seen as friendly but not too much to the point of awkwardness. The boy reaction, on the other hand, came so full of feelings and intense it was almost worrisome to watch.

Changkyun flinched in answering, letting his smartphone fall from his hands onto the table, his deep and normally sweet brown eyes seeming too cold and too sharp. It was obvious that the seemingly innocent question turned out to be a hurtful one, but Hyungwon had no idea of what to say. The quiet humming of people around them suddenly became loud, obtuse and confusing and anxiety started to spread from his stomach to his heart and face. He stuffed his nails on his own arms, trying to find a physical way of dealing with the situation. On the other side of the table, his friend looked away and sighed, apparently trying to control his feelings as well. What was he supposed to say when such a new and important friend showed that hurt of a face? Had he just broke up with his girl? Any logicality ran away from the young adult mind and he could only think about the fact that he indeed had fucked up.

After a couple of seconds of awkward staring, it became a hard task to keep looking into the teenager's eyes. He was the older one there, but couldn’t feel anything but embarrassment and pure terror of taking another action, so he looked away, too terrified by the blazing inside his stomach and the painful racing of his heart. Thankfully, he was saved by Changkyun’s better control of his emotions.

 

“Please… Don’t talk about this.” The boy said, trying to sound as soft as possible, for a fight at the moment wasn’t something both of them would want. Hyungwon tried his best to look at the other eyes, but couldn’t, so he kept staring at his neck, fixing in his Adam’s apple to have something to keep his vision busy with while he thought about what to say.

“I’m sorry, I had no idea you…” He just realized how dumb the phrase he was forming was the moment he started to say it. Had no idea of what? He was actually so confused about what just happened the best thing he could do was to run away like a scared child. Changkyun laughed softly, holding his smartphone again to pretend to check something. It was obvious that he was still bothered, but just realized how strong his reaction was and was simply trying to make all the situation less heavy.

“It’s ok… You wouldn’t understand, _ hyung _ .” The reassuring sound of his deep voice calling him hyung was enough to make Hyungwon lose the grip around his arms but not enough to make his heart stop to beat like a rabbit running from a wolf. Changkyun’s eyes were dark and kind of… Sad. Before he could think of a decent answer, the younger talked again, this time inspecting the party just like he was looking for someone. “I’m waiting for a friend. I don’t have a girlfriend. Never had.”

The sentences were so disconnected Hyungwon could feel the conflict inside the boy. It was just like he wanted so hard to say something but had to hold back, like he needed to unburden a feeling he was afraid of telling people about. As the older friend, Chae felt responsible for the other feelings, but he himself was unable to control the stomachache the previous anxious moment had brought him. Maybe he should try to talk about the subject later, now it was time to make things friendly once again.

At the very moment he was about to take a step forward and act just like the adult he supposedly was, a very cute looking young teen appeared from nowhere, hugging Changkyun from behind and letting a cheerful shriek out from his plump lips. The boy was adorable, his cheeks were chubby (although he didn’t look fat at all) and eyes uncommonly small, but Hyungwon couldn’t help but feel jealous, a feeling that wasn’t supposed to be there — he had never had the chance to hug his friend like that.

For the older surprise, Changkyun smiled but his face turned into a displeased pout in a matter of instants.

“I’m so sorry, Changkyun!” Said the unknown boy as he was pushed away with a nowhere gentle elbow poke. His fake high voice wasn’t annoying and actually sounded pretty funny, but Changkyun wasn’t buying it at all.

“Two damn hours!” The other boy complained in a low and serious tone that made him look a little more mature than he was supposed. Hyungwon as surprised and suddenly felt relaxed enough to laugh. Although he wasn’t comfortable with the presence of an unknown person, the scene right in front of him was truly friendly and kind of adorable. Changkyun looked at him with apologizing eyes as he tried to free himself from the bigger boy. “That’s Lee Jooheon, he’s my hyung and he’s an asshole.”

The fact that he called the boy his senior but at the very same moment was disrespectful to him made Hyungwon laugh out loud. He finally felt relaxed as realizing that all the stress from his friend was because of this Jooheon lateness, someone he looked very intimate with. He actually didn’t know if Changkyun was a patient person and now he learned that probably not.

He decided to present himself as both the young teens decided to stop complaining to each other.

“Hello, Jooheon-ssi. I’m…” Before he could even say his name, the Lee guy crossed his arms, faking a serious face.

“Chae Hyungwon, the Prince Charming, am I right?” His voice was pretty low compared to the cutesy screaming he had shown just a minute ago. Hyungwon was kind of surprised, not only by that suddenly change, but also by the nickname he had already heard sometimes from different people — people to two youngsters had never met.

“Jooheon, don’t be an asshole.” The youngest of them all seemed always to be the most mature as well. He rolled his eyes and pinched his friend’s arm. “Forgive him he’s an asshole.” He then said, looking at Hyungwon with an apologizing smile as if the other boy wasn’t even there.

‘Hey, respect me!” Jooheon said, once again sounding higher than he should. Some old people looked at them, laughed and went back to their conversations, looking like they were used to that kind of interaction between the two teen boys. They seemed to be very good friends. “Anyone with eyes can see that the guy is handsome, you said so yourself.” Muttered the older, pouting like a small child. Cute, Hyungwon thought, blushing a little bit. So Changkyun thought he was handsome, hm? That was a nice thing to know, even if it meant too little when it came to the young adult crush on his friends. People can admire people in a nonsexual way.

“But you shouldn't simply call an older person you just met by a nickname, Jooheon-hyung.” The boy answered, crossing his arms and once again rolling his eyes. Hyungwon wasn’t sure if he was seeing things, but he seemed kind of flustered and his face was a little more reddish than usual. Maybe he wasn’t the kind of person that praised people’s beauty in front of them — he always acted a little timid and closed.

Jooheon opened his mouth in a clear exaggerated offended expression. “You don’t respect me but you demand that I respect other people, you…” He stammered looking for an offense he could fit into the situation. “You uncultured little brat.”

Changkyun couldn’t hold his laugh. He was awkward when laughing, just like he was awkward while doing most things, and Hyungwon was severely attracted to that lack of social skills. It was simply adorable how his dimples showed, how his smile was the most beautiful part of him and how sweet his voice was.  _ Kihyun was so right it hurt _ .

So Hyungwon laughed as well, a little more restrained not to disrespect the other boy. It was obvious that Jooheon was younger than him, but there was no reason to mock at someone he just met, even though he was still kind of jealous of him. The boy, on the other hand, looked completely hurt was he sat down on a free chair, crossing his arms over the table and laying on them to hide his own laughter.

After that, the afternoon became sweeter. Jooheon was a very nice person, scandalous and exaggerated, somehow very different from his younger friend. Changkyun even seemed less cold when around him, laughing and making terrible jokes as the three teens looked for food and something to drink. Hyungwon wasn’t used to spend time with people younger than him but, even though they could make some childish puns, both of the boys were more mature than he expected. There was also the point that just because he was older it didn’t mean that he had to act like a dead adult.

 

So they talked about video games, something that Jooheon seemed to be very passionate about, and once again about school and life plans. The boy was inclined to becoming an artist, a rapper, a thing his chubby and friendly face couldn’t relate to too much. But as Changkyun started to make points on his stuff, Hyungwon could instantly realize that if the boy wasn’t talented, at least he was good enough to impress his friend, who also liked to rap. It was a nice conversation, but there was something at the bottom of Hyungwon’s had that was bothering him a lot. Why was his friend so secretive when it came to this girlfriend thing?

After an hour, they decided to live the party, as the adults started to sing religious songs in a karaoke, making their heads ache. Jooheon told that he would rap religious verses sometimes, but since the audio system was so terrible he disliked to do so during events like that and preferred to play with words during bible studies. Christians were much more interesting than Hyungwon thought at first, at least those Christians.

They walked down the street, the very same street Hyungwon met Changkyun for the first time. For that, they retold the story to Jooheon, who laughed a lot imagining the situation. It wasn’t funny at all for the older, but he imagined that since the other boys had no idea of the whole situation behind that night, it could sound comical at least. The mood was cut out when the younger asked why exactly he was being followed by his classmates, something he had never truly explained to him and he didn’t exactly ask directly before.

He flinched a little, having no idea where to start. His discomfort was felt by the two boys, who looked at their own feet, kind of trying to change the subject when a known voice called them three.

“Hey, you guys!”

Hyungwon turned quickly, staring at a sweaty and serious looking Kihyun. The man was holding a bag with a juice bottle and some sandwiches and probably was doing some sports before he found them. For Hyungwon’s surprise, he wasn’t the first to recognize and greet him.

“Kihyun-hyung, you flake, why weren’t you at the party?”

His eyes grew wider as his friend recognized his roommate.

“Changkyun! Will you ever respect me, you brat?” The man asked, smiling as he grabbed the boy's hand and shaked it. Jooheon greeted him as well with a hug, as Hyungwon looked from one to another with obvious confusion in his eyes. What was happening? Suddenly, he was very confused and almost forgot that Kihyun was also a Christian and that it was completely possible for them three to know each other.

“So do  _ you _ … Know each other?” He finally asked, raising an eyebrow, his eyes tightly staring at them all. For a couple of seconds, Kihyun looked at him with a laugh in his eyes and mouth, but suddenly his face melt into a bit of confusion and despair, making Hyungwon even more lost.

Suddenly, he started to stutter some random words, looking at Changkyun and then at his roommate repeatedly, like he had a brilliant and scary realization but had no idea of how to say it out loud. Hyungwon would be laughing if he wasn’t one of the lost people in there, for everything seemed exaggerated to the maximum.

Jooheon was the first to talk:

“So do you know each other?” He asked, pointing to the two young adults with a distrustful stare. Changkyun was probably the most lost person in there.

“Yeah, Kihyun is my roommate and…” Before Hyungwon could properly end his sentence, Kihyun rushed towards Changkyun and grabbed his shoulders, looking at him with wide eyes and a strangely worried face. Jooheon started to laugh in confusion as the younger one looked at his three seniors like he was about to explode if they didn’t explain the heck was going on.

“So you are Changkyun!” He squeaked, looking deeply at his face. Hyungwon started to move his hands trying to form a phrase to end the mystery and Jooheon suddenly started to look at his hands with much more concentration than it would normally be needed to such a mundane task.

“Hmm… Dur?” The younger answered, gently pushing away his church friend, afraid of his freak out. “Did you hit your head?"

“You are  _ The Changkyun _ Hyungwon was talking with when I… when I…” He deep breathed, turning slowly to his roommate with a deadly stare, as the younger face seemed a little less confused. Right behind them, Jooheon smiled as his face turned brighter and brighter and everything became clear in his mind. He knew about Kihyun’s roommate and he also knew the stories that he was… That both he and Changkyun were...

“So you were the inconvenient roommate! Wow, suddenly everything makes a lot more sense!” The younger said, patting in a friendly way Kihyun’s shoulder as he expected his friend to laugh. To his surprise, everyone else seemed completely froze in an intense moment of stares. Hyungwon had his eyes and mouth wide open, a hand over his heart like he was about to have a heart attack. If Changkyun could see Kihyun's face, he would understand the fear.

Kihyun deadly stare was almost killing Hyungwon. With fire in his eyes, he seriously said:

“We need to talk. Now.”

Jooheon was the only one smiling. Changkyun was about to start begging for explanations.

Hyungwon was fucked.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hello, Kihyun, what’s up? Oh, oops.” He said after answering the phone. Some seconds passed by and he simply laughed, looking nervous and guilty. “It’s Hyungwon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapter in less than a week? Yeah, you right! I'm having some free time right now, so I'm trying to write as much as I can and will be posting throughout the next months. I intend to finish this before november ends or maybe earlier to start new fanfic projects. We are probably having eight or nine more chapters. This one has some suicidal thinking references, so trigger warning, but it's nice overall. Probably the last nice and cute chapter before the storm. That's it, have fun!

“How the hell do you know them two?” Kihyun was angry. To be honest, he was  _ furious _ . Hyungwon had a slight idea of his reasons but wasn’t really sure if all the drama was needed. At an end, hadn’t they talked before about putting an end to his daydreams about the boy? Everything seemed a little too much, especially the strong grip on his wrists that was honestly starting to hurt.

“I… Hyung, it’s a long story, can we sit somewhere?” He asked, trying to discreetly show his friend the number of people looking at them.

Kihyun sighed, finally realizing how exaggerated of a fuss he was making right in the middle of the street. Some random peasants seemed very interested in what was going on, shamelessly looking at the two young man. The older released his friend’s arms, who groaned of relief, and pulled his sweaty hair back as he lowered his explosive mood with deep breaths. Hyungwon was scared of saying anything, so he waited, rubbing his own arms.

It took them at least two minutes of awkward silence before they were both settled down.

“Let’s go home. I need a bath.” The older whispered, seeming afraid of looking at Hyungwon’s eyes after recovering his temper. “I’m sorry, I overreacted, but… We really need to talk.”

The day was going to be a long one.

—

“What just happened?” Changkyun asked in complete disbelief as Hyungwon said goodbye just before being pushed away by an unreasonably angry Kihyun. He was so lost he couldn’t even think of what could have made everyone so overwhelmed. Even Jooheon seemed to know something he wasn’t seeing, what probably meant that he was going to be tortured until being able to see it as well.

“Do you want the good or the amazing news first?” Said his friend, with a grin on his face Changkyun couldn’t trust. If he wanted to understand, though, he needed to comply, what seemed to be a terrible idea.

“Can you tell them as we go home? ‘Cause I’m fucking tired after this all.” He confessed, sighing. First the eternal lateness of Jooheon, who would forget to answer every single one of his messages. Then, Hyungwon talking about girlfriends, a subject he truly hated as he couldn’t see himself dating a girl no matter how hard he tried to change his way. As the great end for it all, Kihyun, a person he usually likes a lot to be around, had the strangest outbreak and everyone seemed to know what was going on but him. Being clueless could be a tiring task.

“As you wish,” Jooheon said.

So the two boys slowly started to walk to the younger’s home. At first, no one was talking as Changkyun tried to contact his older friends with some messages, asking what was going on. Since they wouldn’t even see them, he gave up and waited until Jooheon decided to say something. Nothing happened and he had to control his curiosity, trying not show how annoyed he was by all of this, for Jooheon totally was going to mock him if he looked too concerned.

It wasn’t until they were almost at Changkyun’s door that he decided to talk, for he was almost as agitated as his clueless friend, who thanked God he was finally going to have some clarifications.

“So, the good news first.” He started, laughing but saying nothing afterward, just jiggling at himself. They had the time to arrive at Changkyun’s door, who was pounding the ground with his feet in nervousness.

 

“The good news first or you are never entering this house again.” The younger said, staring at him with deadly eyes. He was giving up in keeping his coolness, for he was sure Jooheon was playing with him (and he was right). To complete his threaten, he held his keys like a knife. Jooheon opened as big as his small eyes could, pretending to be shocked.

 

“But my Switch! You can’t hold my Switch hostage!”

 

“You will never see it again!”

 

And they both laughed as Changkyun opened his door and rushed to his room, pulling his friend by his arm. He was trying to keep quiet, as his mom was home and he was going to explode if she appeared from nowhere and interrupted their conversation for two hours straight of motherish talk. He loved her a lot, but… Not now.

As they fell in the ground, Jooheon looking for his Switch and holding it as quick as possible (what produced more laughs), Changkyun sat with his back straight and tried to look serious enough to make his friend talk. Jooheon, who already noticed the boy anxiousness decided not to joke again, for things were going to get hard. He knew it.

“So…” He coughed to gain time so he could organize his thinking. “Good news: I’m approving his future boyfriend, he’s nic…”

“Jooheon!” Changkyun hissed, looking offended and angry. His older friend knew how sensitive of a subject it was for him, how hurtful it could be, for that he was trying to make the situation easy to go along. It wasn’t working. “Mom is here. Don’t say bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit.” He answered, lowering his voice volume and trying to put on an honest facade. The younger looked at the ceiling and put a hand over his face, to hide his frustration. “Remember that time… That time Kihyun-hyung was feeling down because of a friend?”

Changkyun had no idea of where Jooheon was going with that, but he agreed anyway.

“His roommate was being bullied because he was gay and Kihyun couldn’t stand that, so he asked for help and…”

“And people told him to change rooms, yeah, so what?” He was visibly angry. “Stop telling random stories, I don’t care about that or whatsoever, Jooheon, I…”

For his surprise, he had his face firmly held by Jooheon’s hand.

“Kihyun-hyung is better than that! He didn’t move to another room, he stood with his friend, and that friend is…”

“Stop!” Suddenly, the younger screamed, pushing his friend away as he stood up in a jump. He wasn’t only angry: there were sadness, confusion, and disgust in his face. Jooheon could see that and nothing saddened him more than the thought of his friend torturing himself for a dumb and imbecile dogma that had no sense.

“What is your problem? Don’t you fucking like him?” He tried to sound calm, but to be honest he was getting riled up after Changkyun shouted at him. Why couldn’t he show a little respect and self-control when it came to this subject? “Now you stand a chance, can’t you see?”

“Hyungwon is not a homosexual!” He kept screaming, what concerned Jooheon, for his mother was there. “Don’t you see how hard is that for me, Jooheon? Don’t you fucking see? I don’t need you to put me in a worse condition, I don’t need someone assuring me that the wrong I’m doing is right!”

Jooheon got up as well, pushing Changkyun as he became unable to control his own anger. How could the boy so dumb? How could he hurt so hard for no reason?

“You are doing no wrong, you idiot!” He screamed in answer, pointing his finger at the younger’s face. “Stop being an egocentric brat, thinking that your penis is the fucking center of the world! How many people have you hurt, uh?” He pushed Changkyun again, this time the boy stumping and falling sat on his bed. “Do you think that The Fucking Almighty God cares about your homosexuality? You are not that important!”

“You are right!” Changkyu shouted, trying to get up, but was stopped by his friend before doing so. If he was going to talk like that, Jooheon wasn’t turning things easier. “I’m not that important, that’s why I’m feeling in the right of going against God’s law like I’m special or something like that”

“He likes you back, fucker!” Jooheon said louder, and Changkyun seemed to be prepared to answer, something he wouldn’t let him do. “You can be smarter than me, but you are simply the dumbest when it comes to people. Your gay crush is gay for you as well, you blind fool!”

There was no answer at that time, not even a try. The boy was looking more scared than ever. There were tears on his eyes as he stared at Jooheon as he was about to burst into cry. The older raised his voice once again to demand an answer, but he suddenly realized that Changkyun wasn’t looking at him.

“Jooheon, what are you screaming about?”

Changkyun’s father was there, as the door was cracked wide open. Besides him, a tearful mother cried his heart out, incapable of saying anything.

“I’m sorry, I…” There was nothing he could say.

—

“Kihyun, I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure you’re lying.”

Hyungwon was clearly incredulous as he put some more kimchi into his mouth. The boys ended up in a restaurant after the older took his quickest bath ever, running away from their room as there was nothing to eat there. They talked in a low voice, secretive, trying not to create more problems by saying anything out loud.

“Jooheon told me. I’m not lying about such a serious subject, Hyungwonah.” Kihyun answered, mouth full of kimchi, eyes sharp. “You know… This could destroy his life.” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow, ready to say something. “Worse than it did to yours. That’s why I freaked out.”

“Why would he tell you?” It was a comprehensible question. Jooheon apparently was Changkyun’s best friend and there was no reason for him to expose his homosexuality to another Christian person for no actual reason. Kihyun sighed, for he knew that was going to show up sooner or later.

“He was lost and thought that I could help him to deal with it all… He’s a nice guy and cares about his friends and he’s also… Bisexual, I guess? It doesn’t matter actually.” He smiled, looking at his plate as something ran through his mind. Hyungwon was curious but said nothing. “The thing is he knew about you, so…”

“Excuse me?” Kihyun ignored.

“So he thought I was able to help him when Changkyun decided to go out of the closet, something he never did since I wasn’t… You know, abandoning you.” He sounded sad, still staring at his food. Hyungwon didn’t care, though, for he was confused. “He followed my advice, though. Ironic, isn’t it?”

“Kihyun,  **listen** .” He tried his best to call his attention but was completely ignored, what angered him, making him let his chopsticks fall over his food.

“He proved to be a much more mature person than I’m, I truly adore those tw…”

“Kihyun, God damn it!” Kihyun looked at him with surprise. “How did he know about me?”

“I… I told the juvenile group of Bible studies and…” Hyungwon realized how ashamed Kihyun seemed to be. There was much more behind what he was saying.

“Why?” He had the right to know.

“I needed support and I had no one to talk about what was going on. The pastor told me to leave you behind or to take you to the church, but I couldn’t do none of it so thought that…” He choked on air and Hyungwon laughed.

“Slower, remember to breath.” He offered some hot water to his friend, who drank and smiled.

“Thanks.” Deep breath. “So thought that the younger people would be less prejudiced but, shit, I was wrong, man! Jooheon was the only person who stood by my side and Changkyun watched everything like he was about to die.”

They quietly laughed at the thought and Hyungwon felt a little more relaxed, even though a whole church community knew about his shameful story. He was realizing that maybe it could be easier than he thought to forgive Kihyun for letting him suffer like he thought he did. Obviously, a better communication would have made everything easier and he probably wasn’t going to feel as worthless as he felt when everything exploded.

“I think he likes you back,” Kihyun said after some silence and kimchi eating. Hyungwon choked on his food but said nothing, pretending he hadn’t listened. “It’s not something I’m certain about, but I feel so… That’s dumb, right?” He laughed as the younger drank some water, looking at him with teary eyes.

Hyungwon took some time to answer: “yeah, it is dumb. And I don’t think it would be right.” He was playing with his food, something Kihyun hated, but the senior tried to ignore. “As you said, it could be worse than what happened to me. Also, I’m older, right? Kids are fascinated by older guys, he may not like who I actually am.”

Kihyun really felt like agreeing, but something sounded out of place. The age wasn’t a problem, they were almost the same, and Changkyun was a mature boy. Was it ok to restrain a friend of yours of going after whom he liked just because of fear of what the world could think? Was he still a coward that couldn’t defend his ideals and even his friends? He shouldn’t simply agree, it would be wrong.

“If he does, it’s ok, I guess.” He finally said, not looking at Hyungwon, who was actually a little bit incredulous. “I can be overprotective of him, but it’s his life and your life.”

The younger agreed, looking at the ceiling, lost in thoughts. If Changkyun truly liked him back, the cosmos was paying him with gold what he took from him. A significant one wasn’t a cure for all the pain or something like that, but it could certainly help. To be in love is a great thing. It was after a sip of hot tea that he perceived something he was letting out of the narrative.

“Wait, does he know?” He asked abruptly, suddenly too worried about something the already calm and relieved Kihyun couldn’t see.

“Who knows what?” He asked, his mouth full of kimchi, his words almost incomprehensible. Hyungwon was agitated in eager for an answer: “Changkyun? Does Changkyun know about the roommate thing, right?”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t know that it’s yo…” Kihyun eyes went big and he looked paler than normal as he realized that...  “Jooheon!”

“What?”

“Jooheon is telling him now.”

The world became slower to Hyungwon.

“How do..?”

“It’s Jooheon, he’s smart as hell, I only know he figured everything out and he is not hiding anything from Changkyun.”

“What do you mean by anything?”

“I’m mean that he’s telling everything he thinks he knows!”

They stared at each other, both trying to rationalize what they could not to turn things worse. Kihyun picked his phone and unlocked it, opening the contacts book and choosing Jooheon’s number as quick as he could, passing it to his friend.

“Call him! Now!”

If they only knew that it was already too late...

—

“Mr. Im, we need to talk.”

Changkyun was in shock. He was frozen and crying and certainly wouldn’t be able to speak up for himself. Jooheon felt the world weight on his shoulders as the guilty from screaming such a secret without caring about the consequences hit him. He knew he did wrong, committed a mistake that could cost his friend way of living and even happiness.

“No, I need to talk to my son.” The man said, looking deadly serious. In a normal situation, Jooheon would run away in the same second, afraid of being scolded too harshly. But that wasn’t a normal situation and, if he ran, he would left alone his friend in a worse place.

“No, he… Listen to me, will you?” He sounded a little ruder than he expected to, but in fact, his heart was rushing and his head hurting, for he had little time to make things less problematic than they were right at the moment. Both father and mother looked at him in shock, for they watched the boy grow and never before he had used such tone with them.

He breathed deeply and took his advantage as fast as he could.

“I’m not taking back what I said, you heard it all…” Changkyun grasped behind him and he knew the boy was hiding his face. He knew he was burning in shame and feeling completely humiliated, but there was nothing he could do to change what was already said. His hands were shaking and he could feel the shiverings of panic going down by his spine. “I can’t lie to you, I just…”

He choked and looked behind as he was about to lose his cool and start to cry as well. Changkyun’s father seemed ready to listen, but not really content with doing so. His mother was crying and leaning against the wall.

“I just love your son, ok? He’s my best friend, my brother and I don’t care what the pastor says if this condemns a person that never…” Jooheon hid his face behind his hands as tears started to stream from his eyes and he shook and sobbed, raising his voice as he started to lack emotional control. “He never hurt anyone, what’s wrong with everyone? Where’s the fucking love?”

Changkyun’s father rushed towards him and he prepared himself to get hit. It was a hard thing for any father to deal with and he was making things harder, he knew so, but he was there for his friend. To his surprise, he was hugged by the man, something he had never done before.

For a couple of seconds, the only sound was of crying as the man released his son’s friend and turned to look at his child, clearly trying to find something to say. Changkyun’s mother was still in shock, looking blindly through them like they weren’t even there. His husband, on the other hand, seemed to be the only person there in control of his own emotions.

Changkyun was calmer, not less scared, but calmer as he cried and looked down, prepared to whatever his father was going to do. He was even ready to die if he was asked to do so. It wasn’t like he has never thought about the possibility before, especially when he was considering the possibility of coming out. It was a disgrace his parents didn’t need and if he was requested to die to do not harm them, he was ready to do so by his owns hands. He has ever been.

“I’m sorry…” He finally managed to whisper.

“Don’t be.” His father managed to say, his voice not as stable as he would like it to sound.

Changkyun looked up as Jooheon went out of the room, sure that his friend wasn’t going to be hurt. The boy was worried about the mother who, almost passing out, was in the worst condition between them four.

“We, me and your mother, already knew.” The man said slowly like he was trying to choose the best words to settle things instead of putting them on fire once again. His son looked up, surprised and almost thinking he was imagining things. But there was his father, looking at him seriously even if he almost in tears as well. His heart seemed to float inside him and he wasn’t sure if it was pain or relaxation he was feeling. Maybe he was so tightened in fear the relief was supposed to be painful, like a cramp. “We thought it was just a phase and wasn’t talking to you before you decided to say something about.”

Outside the room, his mother collapsed and Jooheon held her, helping her to stay up. It was painful to watch. She wasn’t supposed to be there or even to listen to the conversation, it was too much to handle, but she couldn’t be left alone as well, so he just stood there, holding the woman and watching father and son.

“Forgive me father, I…” To hear Changkyun’s voice cracking the way it was was the most painful thing Jooheon ever experienced. If he could, he would hug his best friend and run away with him to a place he could cry all his tears before making things right with his family. But there was nothing he could do.

The father sighed, putting a hand over his heart and looking from Jooheon and his wife to his son. The older boy was shocked, but the most prominent impression he had was on how mature the man was dealing with something that most parents wouldn’t be able to even think of. He had heard of stories of boys being asked to die and he knew that his friend would do so if asked. He felt his chest lighter, but there was still a weight there as he had created all of this crying and screaming situation.

“Please, Changkyun, stop.” The man said, sitting at his son’s bed and pulling his from where he was to pat his head. His moves were awkward just like he wasn’t sure about what he was doing. It was a kind of affection uncommon to both of them. “It’s already hard enough for us, especially for your mother. I’m still in process of accepting it, so understand that I’m not forgiving you, you did nothing wrong. Don’t ask for it again.”

Changkyun looked down, bursting in tears once again and trying to wipe them away with his hands. His nose was stuffy and running and he looked completely ruined. Once again, Jooheon just wanted to let the woman (who was recovering her full consciousness and much calmer even though she sounded like a hurt animal as she breathed) on her own and hold his friend. He felt extreme relief when she showed to be able to stand by her own.

“When did you know? Who told you?” The boy asked in a weak voice, looking at his mother for the first time in all the process.

“Four years ago, maybe five, I’m not sure.” The man admitted and he sounded ashamed. Jooheon thought that he better be, for hiding from his son during all of this time expecting him to change was kind of coward. He was doing nicely though and he didn’t want to judge the man too much. He wasn’t sure of what he himself would if he was at that position. “Your search story told us and then I asked Kihyun about you and Jooheon, because I thought that…”

Both the boys tried not to smile, but they did anyway.

“No way, Mr. Im! I would never…” He looked at Changkyun, pretending to puke. Changkyun tried to hide his embarrassment, as he knew would totally do what he apparently would never, but it was Jooheon’s way of lifting the mood and it worked, somehow. “Nothing against, you know, gays, but… It’s Changkyun! Eww!”

Suddenly, his phone rang on the table and he looked at it in surprise. The other boy looked as well, and picked it and threw it to Jooheon.

“Speaking on the devil… It’s the informer.” He said and no one really understood.

“Hello, Kihyun, what’s up? Oh, oops.” He said after answering the phone. Some seconds passed by and he simply laughed, looking nervous and guilty. “It’s Hyungwon.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was very fun to put this together because Changkyun "comming out" process was somehow inspired in my own lol My father did the very same thing, asshole, love him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My quick update days are over, that's the last one, haha. Hope you enjoy it.

“That’s… Awkward.” Four days had passed by without them talking. Both were letting all the information sink, as much had happened during the weekend. Hyungwon was feeling nervous mostly because he had hide things from his friend thinking he would be hated, having no idea that maybe speaking up could make everything less traumatic. Changkyun, on the other hand, was thinking about confessing, what was not going to happen and he knew that. He always stepped back in his decisions.

“No, it’s not. I mean, what does this change?” The younger said, laughing timidly. Everything, Hyungwon thought, but it wasn’t true. Somethings were still the same, especially the terror he felt as he wanted to kiss the boy but knew how terrible of an idea it was.

“You won’t… Repel me now.” He said, without thinking. It was true. As the silence of the street they were sat at fell heavier over them two, Changkyun thought about what his friend just said. It was true. If three days ago he had learned that his new friend was gay, he would have turned his back to him as he could, no matter how affectionate he was and how quickly they became intimate. His fear of losing his own way was too big and still, it was a fear inside him. But now, having his family by his side, something was different, something he couldn’t explain.

It was good to have the ones who gave him life holding his hands and assuring he was still worthy of love.

“Have I said something wrong?” Hyungwon asked as the boy seemed lost in thoughts. He was feeling a little nervous, just like he felt the day he confessed to Minhyuk when he was still a school kid lost on his world of doubts. It was rather strange to feel that way with a younger person and he finally understood what his ex-boyfriend meant when he said that the fear was always the same, you just learn to deal better with it and don’t let it destroy your ways.

“No, you haven’t,” Changkyun answered, smiling as he looked to the ground. It was a tender smile and Hyungwon felt his stomach full of little butterflies, his face hotter and hands sweaty. Something was out on his body like he felt the urge of doing something he didn’t know yet. So the boy looked at him, first by the corner of his eyes, then directly, like he was preparing himself to a life-changing decision.

“Can I kiss you, hyung?”

“ _ Sure _ .”

 

Changkyun woke up.

It had been five days since the weekend and his head was still in chaos. His parents were being way too affectionate with him, although he could listen to his mother crying every night as his father tried to comfort her. She talked about school, church, what would happen when he needed to get a job; she said she wanted her son to be happy, not to suffer on the hands of society. This shouldn’t make Changkyun feel guilty, but it did anyway, for he knew how many people were going to suffer by his side if he decided to follow his feelings.

   Hyungwon sent messages the day everything happened and the day after but probably was warned by Kihyun that the boy wasn’t in his best mood. He needed time, as now everything had truly changed in his life, and more could change. He wasn’t feeling like going to school and as he did anyways not to worry his parents, he spent the days looking at the walls and planning on what to do. Even Jooheon was being treated with a certain distance, as he really needed to think and to feel alone. Now it wasn’t a dirty little secret no more what he had. It wasn’t a night of teen hormones making him do things with his best friend or an animal necessity that led him to some porn and aftermath guilty trips. He now had a label, a mark that if seen by society his very existence would be seen in a different way. People who loved him would hate, people who respect him wouldn’t keep doing so.

His heart was heavy. To be honest, all he wanted was to be on his best friend’s side, playing some video games, maybe even call Hyungwon to play together. If he could go back in time, he would have chosen to ignore the boy running down the street in despair — a selfish decision, but a decision that certainly would make his life easier. No teenage infatuation, no reasons to think about his own feelings and needs, to fights against them. Just the already known feeling of carrying a secret the world shouldn’t know.

All of sudden, as he looked through his window and the night fell, a deep urge of running away took him, even though there was no escape. What a cruel world was that in which you born to commit sins you can’t control? For the first in time in life, he asked himself if God was indeed good — what was goodness to start with? A lone tear streamed down his face when he realized how much pain was being held on his heart. He hadn’t cried since the weekend for he needed to show the ones who cared about him that he was ok, never realizing how worrying his furtive behavior was.

As if the world was waiting for the perfect moment to do so, his phone rang. He hated phone calls and the ones who had his number knew that they were only supposed to call him if it was an emergency or if they were calling him to play a really nice video game. Being Kihyun the one calling, it could be both.

“Changkyun, hey.” The tender and calm of voice of his friend soothed his heart. He realized how lonely he was feeling and that he actually hated it.

“Hey, hyung. How is a going?” He answered, tears rolling from his eyes to his chin. It wasn’t a cry he could control.

“I’m fine.” The man said, making a small pause as thinking what to say next. He sighed and decided to be honest, his honesty once again warming his younger friend’s heart. “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m worried about me as well,” Changkyun said not sounding half as jokingly as he wanted to. There was another sigh at the other side of the line, as Kihyun tried his best no show how desperate he actually was. After a couple of seconds, he spoke again: “What are you doing now? How are you”

“I’m just… thinking. You know, much to think about.” The boy tried to laugh but choked on his own cry. He was about to burst, the tears uncountably already. He needed to release them, but not on phone with his _hyung_. “I’m fine, enjoying this time to think.”

“Changkyun, stop thinking and stop lying.” Kihyun sounded impatient but was doing his best to keep his voice soft as the boy felt his control. He was just like a caring and lovable older brother. “When you think too much, you only find more and more problems to deal with, Changkyunie. How are you feeling?”

He could hold no more. His sobs broke Kihyun’s heart who wished he could materialize there and hug his young friend. They weren’t as near as he was with Jooheon, but he loved the boy anyways, as a year's long friendship of mutual support and pricking wasn’t something easy to find.

“Lost.” The boy sobbed, trying to control his trembling voice to keep speaking. “Dirty. I need a hug.”

Kihyun seemed to lose his breath. If he could beat up the whole world to make his friends feel loved, now he felt like he would. He had matured enough to understand that being on his friend’s side wasn’t negotiable anymore.

“Hey.” He said and Changkyun had to hold his breath to be able to listen. “Come to the university dormitory, we are playing video games tonight. We invited Jooheon and some… Friends.”

Weakly, the boy laughed: “Can I say no?”

“Go talk to Jooheon, he is at your door already.” And hung up, giving to the younger no opportunity to complain. Curiously at the same moment, his mother entered the room holding a jacket and a shirt and threw them over her son.

“Was it all a plan?” He complained, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. His mother sat by his side, caressing his hair and looking at him with pure motherly love. Her eyes were swelled and Changkyun knew she was crying. It pained his heart.

“Kihyun’s.” She answered, standing up and going to his bathroom as stood talking. “If he was gay, I’d ask him to date you, he’d be the best son-in-law, I’d have never need to worry about you again.” She appeared from the room, throwing a towel on the bed and pointing to the shower, needless to say anything about.

“Jooheon is already here, isn’t he?” He asked, getting up and collecting his things. “If I let him waiting, he will be pissed and…”

“Your father is feeding him with the sweets you ignored, go and bath.” She said, rolling her eyes as any mother who has her motherly skills underestimated by her child. She crossed arms, waiting, so Changkyun had nothing to do but follow her orders. Slowly, he walked towards the bathroom, head still a little low as it ached from the too long of a nap. She patted his head when he passed by her side, smiling kindly. He closed the door without looking at her directly.

After some hesitant instants, he opened it a little bit.

“Mom?” He put his face through the small space.

“Hm?” She was removing his bed sheets and dirty clothes.

“You don’t need to talk that way about… That.”

She turned around and touched his nose affectionately, with an honest smile that showed a mix in between sadness and tranquility. 

“I talk the way I want about what I want to. You are my son, after all, right?”

All the world could step on him and he would feel like everything was ok if his mother smiled at him the way she did before leaving his room.

 

When he got to Kihyun and Hyungwon’s place, the small room seemed crowded with people he had never seen before. His defensive shyness turned it hard to enter in a soft mood, as Jooheon pulled him through the door and greeted everyone in an excited manner. The three new guys looked older than Kihyun and probably were. He felt small, young and shy, and he certainly was the shortest, youngest and shyest of them all.

A skinny and very pale man jumped from the ground as they closed the door, greeting them with a big and bright smile. Hyungwon wasn’t there to be seen. The man approached him after hugging Jooheon — who being who he was, accepted to stranger’s affection without a second thought — and held both of his hands hostage of an affectionate grab.

“So you are the boy!” He said loudly, jiggling like a teen would do. Changkyun could be the younger, but certainly not the most youthful there. “I’m Lee Minhyuk, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Changkyun tried to think of something he could say, but all that came out was:

“Where’s Hyungwon?” A little too harsh, since he used lofty manners when timid to feel less uncomfortable.

He heard Minhyuk laugh as he smiled to Kihyun and went back to his place, right on the top of a single bed that certainly wasn’t his, by the side of another man. Everything looked kind of staged and he had no idea of what kind of plan Kihyun was in, but it couldn’t be good.

“He’s buying the alcohol Hoseok forgot to bring.” His older friend answered, looking at a very pale and buff man with cutting eyes, who simply laughed and hugged Minhyuk by the waist, making Changkyun blush for it obviously wasn’t just a friendly cuddle. He stopped looking when the man placed a kiss on the other’s nape. He had no idea of how to act in such a situation and really felt like running away.

“By the way, that’s Shin Hoseok and the one there…” Kihyun pointed to a distant person, the only one actually sitting on a chair, a very pretty and serious looking man that greeted him with a timid headshake. He seemed to be the quietest and mature of them all, as no signs of teenagery were seen in his face and — Changkyun couldn’t simply ignore so — considerably hot body. What was that? Kihyun attracted handsome men? “... is Hyunwoo-hyung.”

“Wait, why am I Shin Hoseok and he’s Hyunwoo-hyung?” The buff pale man asked, faking an offended expression and Minhyuk laughed. He clearly was the easy going type. “Why don’t you sit, Changkyun?”

Jooheon was already sat on the ground, moving around some Switch game, a couple Changkyun knew were him, the rest unknown to the boy. He wasn’t sure of where to sit, looking more and more desperate as he couldn’t move nor say something. It was Kihyun who saved the day, pulling him by the arm to sit on one of the beds by his sides.

They all talked like old friends and even Jooheon seemed to be into the conversation. Hyunwoo was clearly the most silent one and Minhyuk the loudest. It was a very awkward situation and Kihyun, as the nice friend he was, was backing him and not let the rest bother too much. They both knew that, with time, he would feel more comfortable. It took twenty to thirty minutes to Hyungwon to arrive and he sighed when he opened the door, smiling and looking calm and sweet as always. It was just then that he realized that he was actively ignoring the older’s messages for days for no good reason that he felt the world falling over his shoulders.

It took a little time for him in between putting the drink bottles on the small fridge they had and looking around to greet the newcomers. Jooheon was already treating him like a friend, almost like he had met him four years ago, not just four days. When he looked at the place Changkyun was almost hiding in a ball that the world seemed to stop for a couple or two of seconds.

He was looking pretty as always. Much more than that, he was looking genuinely happy about seeing him there, what made Changkyun feel all his body going hotter. By his side, he could feel Kihyun getting up and saying something along the lines of helping Jooheon with the games, as the others quickly pretended to ignore the situation that was going on there. Hyungwon seemed to be waiting for Changkyun to say something, but the younger was paralyzed by a social phobia he had no idea he had. He was shy and blunt because of it but not socially anxious, at that moment though he was truly looking for an escape route.

“Can I sit there?” Changkyun shook his head in agreement.

“Are you drinking?” Hyungwon asked, sounding a little nervous. Changkyun didn’t know how to answer, for he had never drunk before: “I’m underage, I… Never really drink.”

“Oh, ok.”

 

—

 

The night was almost over and still, Hyungwon hadn’t had the chance to talk with Changkyun. The boy was the only one not drinking for, to his surprise, Jooheon wasn’t a minor. He played and talked with other, even getting along fairly well with the ones around, specially Hoseok. But there were no long interactions in between then and certainly not a chance of clarifying things. He was feeling rather defeated.

Hyunwoo, the busiest of them all for he already was a doctor, left the place earlier than everyone, apologizing and saying he was going to work the day next. Minhyuk almost knocked the guy down with a tight hug, which was responded with affection and a sweet smile — his first and only during the night. They were the bestest of friends and Hyungwon felt somehow envy, for he used to be the closest to Hyungwoo before everything changed in his life. Just as another reminder of his misery, Hoseok kissed his boyfriend as he sat back, making him look quickly to Changkyun, who was looking to the other side.

The couple left less than an hour after, Hoseok worried that if he let Minhyuk drink more, the boy would sleep on one of the beds. Minhyuk kissed his ex-boyfriend's face, giving him a gentle look as they left, leaving Hyungwon asking himself why was he like that. Hoseok hugged him, saying some friendly words on his ears about being there if he needed. He felt thankful and smiled at the man as he almost carried his boyfriend away, being remembered by Kihyun to take care on the way back.

It was already past midnight when Jooheon decided to go. The boy had an impressive resistance to alcohol, but even him looked tired and sleepy as time passed. They had turned Mario Party off just after the leaving of Minhyuk and Hoseok, and it was obvious that he wasn’t keeping up with the conversation anymore. Hyungwon felt his heart racing as he realized that it was his last chance to try to talk to Changkyun since he probably was leaving with his friend. It was when Kihyun dropped the bomb:

“I’m taking Jooheon home, not letting my drunk dongsaeng go alone.” He said out loud, looking at Hyungwon with significant eyes. “You better take Changkyun home as well.”

“Hey, I think it’s better if…” Hyungwon started and stopped the moment Kihyun stared deeply at him. Oh. He was slow when drunk, even if when he drank just a little. So he pretended to cough and continued: “... if I call you a taxi, don’t you think?”

“It’s ok, Hyungwon, I live near here,” Jooheon answered in a sleepy voice. “Changkyun lives to the other side, if not I would take him home.”

“You can’t even take yourself home, Jooheonie.” Kihyun laughed, wrapping his friend's shoulders in a semi-hug so he wouldn’t stumble everywhere as they went through the door. He was much more sleepy than drunk, still, it wasn’t very nice of an older friend to let someone in such state go back home alone. “I’ll be right back. He whispered, for it was too late and talking loudly on the corridors wasn’t the most respectful behavior. Hyungwon laughed to himself, thinking about how Minhyuk was noisy and no wall was stopping his voice. The students around either were very patient or weren’t there.

It was awkward. Probably the most awkward situation Hyungwon has ever been in his life. He realized Changkyun said nothing on the matter of being alone with him, didn’t even protested during Kihyun’s talking.

It took them a whole couple of minutes to look at each other. Changkyun was smiling at himself. He looked handsome under the soft light of the table lamp, which was the only source of light turned on there. Since they met, Hyungwon tried to run away from social standards for the boy was the biggest proof that people could be beautiful in their own ways. Everything in him was perfect in his own way, from his adorable dimples to his skin full of acne. Hyungwon barely remembered he had acne, to be honest, so little of an importance it had on his beauty and charm.

“That’s pretty dumb.” The boy muttered, suddenly looking too directly at Hyungwon, making him lose his cool. “A week ago, if I knew about you, I’d run away from everything. Our friendship, my feelings, your feelings. Now I’m asking myself what changed.”

The older boy smiled, laying down on his bed, his head at the opposite of Changkyun was. “Everything changed. You just realized that you know, a person you are friends with is gay and it’s not less of a person because of it.”

Silence. Five seconds of pure silence.

Changkyun laid by Hyungwon’s side, facing the ceiling just like the other.

“You are still you, but everything changes.” He added, a little nervous as the one he liked was just there, on his bed, by his side, laying down. It was just… Too intimate. He decided to keep talking before his body decided on doing some dumb move. “Because now you see yourself as a person that deserves respect just like you think that I deserve, you don’t see yourself anymore as a piece of dirt or…”

“Nothing but a sinner.” Hyungwon looked at the boy, who had his face turned to him. He could feel his breath and smell his scent, what wasn’t good for his sanity. The sad smile on his lips was simply… Too romantic in an old-fashioned way. 

“Not the word I was thinking of, but it does fit, I think.” He whispered and both laughed, although they knew they were just running away from what was supposed to happen. Hyungwon closed his eyes and sighed, leaning his body a little more to the boy direction. When he opened then again, Changkyun’s lips were already on his.

It wasn’t exactly a good first kiss. Both were nervous, almost laughing at how much tension there was there. But it made Hyungwon’s heart hurry like he was back at his thirteen years old, and he held the boy near, a hand on his waist, the other one on his face, looking once again for his mouth after a frustrated laugh and a deep breath. It turned out to be obvious that Changkyun wasn’t an experienced kisser. Maybe it was his first time — Hyungwon couldn’t know. But he compensated his lack of ability with tender hands that stroked Hyungwon’s hair and back with great passion. Both kept laughing, trying to hide the nervousness and excitement.

After a couple of tender kisses, Changkyun rolled over Hyungwon, pinning him down with his body to the complete surprise of the older. Everything was too clumsy but still nice and soon his heart wasn’t the only thing on his body that felt hot as he could feel a thigh that fit so well between his own pushing against him. He held the boy by his waist, rolling their pelvis together, hand going down by his body to hold strongly one of his thighs. They quickly forget any doubts, dogmas or fears; the fact that Kihyun could enter the room anytime was far away from their minds.

He could feel Changkyun grasping for air but holding on the kiss, his chest going up and down quickly as they furthered their touches. He moaned when, finally parting to take a breath, Hyungwon pulled him slightly up so he could kiss, bite, lick his neck. Their breathing was confused, arrhythmic and desperate. To go that quick wasn’t something on both of their plans but, now that it was happening, there was no turning back, they didn’t want to stop.

Hyungwon suddenly realized of where all of that was going if they kept that way. Against his own will, he gently pushed Changkyuns body, making the boy obviously surprise. He stared at the older with deep, dark and confused eyes.

“Changkyunnie, you know that if we keep going that way, we…”

The boy cut his words with a deep tone Hyungwon had no idea he could reach. It was sexy and mature and made him shiver. “I want it.”

Just as life was fucking with him, Hyungwon’s phone rang. The boy looked a little confused as he was cautiously pushed so the man could reach his smartphone. An unknown number was showing on the screen, but it quickly caught Changkyun’s eyes as he knew whose it was.

“It’s Jooheon.”

Hyungwon answered.

“Call an ambulance, please, Kihyun and I…” Hyungwon couldn’t understand as suddenly Jooheon seemed to talk away from the speaker. He only understood when he screamed in panic: “Quickly, he’s bleeding!”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all forgive me. I'm cliffhanger shit just as much as I'm cockblock shit. That's the result of a life watching Brazilian's soap operas.


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